Greek (Palm South University)

“Can we go for a walk?” I ask, my voice cracking.

Kade closes his eyes, opens them again, his gaze on his shoes. He nods.

We don’t say a word as we walk around the side of the house and back onto Greek Row, and I start the trek that leads into the heart of campus, listening to the sound of our sneakers on the sidewalk.

“How are you?” I ask when we’re far enough from the house.

Kade glances at me like he’s not sure he actually believes I asked him that before shaking his head a little.

You already know — that’s what he says without words.

I tuck my hands in the back pockets of my jeans on a nod, my eyes watering. I don’t know where to start other than the obvious place.

“I’m sorry, Kade,” I whisper.

He blows out a breath — long, slow, and shaky.

“I don’t have an excuse for how I’ve behaved. I don’t have any words that will make any of it right, make it go away, or make it feel better. I just don’t. All I have for you is honesty,” I say, glancing at him before my eyes are on my shoes again. “I vow to give you that.”

Kade doesn’t say a word, but I know he’s listening.

“When Jarrett came back,” I start. “It blew up my entire world. Everything I thought I knew about him, about you, about us… it just became clouded behind this big, heavy fog. But when we finally talked, I got some clarity, some… closure, I guess, that I didn’t realize I needed. I thought everything was going to be fine. And I meant it,” I say, looking at him then. “I meant what I said to you last semester. That I love you.”

“I know,” Kade whispers. His voice is laced with such pain it feels like it’s splitting my ribs in half.

“I never expected to ever see him again. I damn sure never expected for him to tell me he still had feelings for me.” I bite my lip as tears blur my vision. “I have been the most atrocious person, all because I was confused, trying to hold onto what I have with you, while also reaching for what I had with him.”

We make it to the reflection pond, the palm trees around it decked out in red and white lights, and I tug Kade’s sleeve, guiding him over to one of the benches. When we take a seat, he scoots away from me, his back rigid, eyes on the pond.

“I am so sorry, for everything I have done, for everything I can’t take back,” I whisper.

I reach out for him, covering one of his hands with mine and heaving a sigh of relief when he doesn’t jerk away.

“Please, look at me,” I beg.

Kade closes his eyes on a burning exhale before he does as I asked, and the moment our eyes meet — really meet — both our lips tremble with emotion.

“Kade, I love you,” I whisper, tears pooling in my eyes and falling over my cheeks, silently carving rivers down to my jaw. “I love you. And I want to be with you.”

Kade cracks then, a brief moment of shock washing over his face before he crumples, pinching the bridge of his nose in one hand as his shoulders begin to shake. He can’t fight back the emotion, and seeing him succumb to it makes my tears come even faster.

“I want to be with you,” I repeat. “But…”

His eyes snap to mine.

“But I don’t know if it’s right to be.”

“Jesus Christ, Jess,” he says. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I want you. I want us. But what I’ve done to you… I don’t think I could ever forgive you, if it were me in the reverse. I don’t deserve you, Kade. Or your love. I…”

My words choke off on a sob, and I cover my mouth with my hand, shaking my head as tears sting my cheeks.

Kade lets out a breath, something of a smile on his lips before his arms are around me, pulling me across the space between us on the bench and crushing me to him. He inhales my scent once I’m in his arms, and I do the same, crying harder at the way it feels to have him hold me, at the warmth of his body, at the familiar smell of his cologne.

“You deserve so much more than me,” I sob into his chest. “So much better than what I have done to you.”

“Shhh…”

“No,” I say, shaking my head as I pull away from him. I look right into his eyes when I continue. “I can’t ever forgive myself. I don’t know how you could. I want to be with you, but how could I honestly ask that of you, after everything?”

Kade sighs, rubbing my arm with his hand as his eyes flick between mine. He doesn’t say anything for a long while, and I know he’s realizing it, too — I’ve hurt him too badly to ever repair it.