Sweet Satisfaction

My head cocked to the side. “Excuse me ?”

“What happened? Is it grief? The fans? What is getting under your skin ?”

“I’m good. What you see is determination to dig this team out of a losing season .”

“We’re almost at the hotel. After we check in if you want to grab a drink and talk you know my room is always open. I’m here for you. I’m never too busy for what’s going on in your life. Whatever it is.” He eyed me .

Maybe that was his problem. He was too worried about personal issues to look at the bigger scope of his team. It was falling apart .

“Thanks, Coach. We’re going to win tomorrow. That’s what I’m focused on .”

“Well, on the way to victory, maybe you could ease back a little on these guys. You’ve been riding them pretty hard the past couple of months. Just think about it .”

“Sure thing .”

He stood as the bus came to a stop in front of the hotel .

I hung back while everyone filed off and searched the luggage stack for their bags .

Finally, I joined them on the sidewalk and heaved my travel bag over my shoulder .

“Want to get a jog in?” Jones asked me .

“Nah. I think I’m going to review some Sharks film before practice .”

“Come on. It feels awesome out here. We can run and not even break a sweat in this weather .”

I shook him off. “Maybe later. I think I’m going to change a few of the plays. I’ve got to get that ready before practice .”

He shrugged. “Whatever. I’m running. Don’t let the Shark fans hear this, but I love DC .”

“Yeah, I won’t say anything .”

I headed to my room and locked the hotel door behind me .

The anger was there. It had been there ever since the wedding. Only I couldn’t think about it. I wouldn’t let myself dwell on it. I couldn’t give into it. But Coach had seen it and sensed it. Apparently the whole damn team had. And it was like a dam getting ready to break .

I wanted to unleash the resentment. I needed a place to bury the rage. So far that place had been on the field. I had run the team into the ground. I had barked and yelled. I had cursed in their faces and threatened them. I had come close to knocking a few to the ground .

And why? Because I let Sierra back in? Because for a few weeks out of the summer I stopped being the man I was and let myself be the man I used to be. An island guy with nothing but time on his hands. A guy who loved with his heart and soul. And it blew up in my face .

The instant I let my guard down she did what she had always done. She destroyed me. She ripped through my soul. It wasn’t one thing. It was lash after lash of layers of lies. The baby. My father’s role in our breakup. The inevitable way things were going to end a second time .

I stood at the window. I saw Jones take off on his run .

Coach was right even if I couldn’t say it at the time. Things had to change. I couldn’t carry this anger around. It was killing me and wrecking the team .

I wasn’t a man who lived with regrets. I had forgotten that .

The leaves across the street drifted to the ground. They held deep colors of auburn and scarlet. It was time to let go. Move on. Push forward. The summer was in my past .

Thirty-Two

Sierra

I sat on my couch, crunching ice chips and digging into a bag of chocolate chip cookies. The game was on. I had avoided watching the Thrashers until tonight. They were in DC to play the Sharks. All the commentators said there wasn’t much of a chance they would win. The season had been dismal for the Orlando team .

I was afraid if I saw Blake on that field, I’d melt. Or cry. Maybe both. I didn’t scroll online for his name anymore. I didn’t watch Sports Now . I did everything in my power to avoid the topic of football for over a month. That wasn’t an easy feat living in Texas. I had actually been proud of myself .