Journey
He could be infuriating and stubborn. Like an immovable wall. Had it been one of the things I loved or hated about him? Standing in the Big Bear living room, I wasn’t sure anymore. The news of the emails was disturbing. The fact that Asher had hacked all my accounts was maddening.
I hadn’t leaned on him in so long. What used t
o be natural now felt like an invasion of my privacy.
And then there were the kisses that had blistered my lips and turned me into complete putty. I wanted his hands on me. His breath blazing over my skin. My body craved him. It missed him.
He could soothe my nightmares and hold me.
But this was reality. Asher was controlling and overprotective. And right now he was in bodyguard mode. The man who had started to let the shield crack fifteen minutes ago was quickly gone – he had patched it back up.
I saw the gun tucked in his pajama pants. I didn’t even realize he had grabbed it on the way out of the bedroom. He had an ease with guns and weapons I couldn’t begin to understand.
“Don’t do that.” His gruff voice carried over my shoulder.
“Why not? We can’t do this. I can’t do this. I don’t want to fight with you.”
He sighed. “Put us aside. I want to talk to you about the emails.”
“Of course you do.”
He had the ability to switch from emotion to mission focus as if it was as easy as turning a light switch on and off. I was still angry I had let him get me naked.
“J. Talk this through. If you’ve never seen them talk to me. Help me figure it out.”
“Oh, all right.” I lowered my eyes to the floor and slumped on the couch. “I didn’t see those emails. Dante forwards the important things to my private account. If it’s fan mail, he handles it. Someone on his staff responds.”
“Then there’s a possibility Dante read these?” he pressed.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s possible I guess.”
“I need to get him on the phone now.”
“Asher, wait. What time is it?”
“3am,” he replied.
“Let Dante sleep. You can talk to him in the morning.”
He groaned. “You don’t get it. I need to speak to him because this comes first. You come first.”
“Then why don’t you act like it?”
“Excuse me?” He put his cell down.
“Nothing has made sense for the past week. If I’m being completely honest, the past two years.” I turned to look at him. “It shouldn’t take a near-death experience for you to be back in my life. And I don’t even know if this is back. You’re cold. You’re distant. Unless I need you. And then you want to be in my bed. I can’t handle it. I can’t handle this. Whatever it is.”
He tried to talk, but I held up my hand. I wasn’t finished.
“I may never have another chance to say this, so I’m going to say it before I lose my courage.” My throat tightened. “You were supposed to be it. You were supposed to be the man I spent my life with. I trusted you. I believed you. And you walked away.” I blinked. “That kind of blind trust doesn’t suddenly reappear. I felt so broken I didn’t believe in any man. I don’t know that I will.” I took a deep breath. “I know you’re worried about me. I believe you. But I don’t want my hired bodyguard back. I don’t want surprise kisses in the woods. I don’t you to comfort me after a bad dream. I don’t want you to break my heart again. That’s what I need to say.”
“I’m sorry. I am sorry for what I did.”
“And you want my forgiveness?” I asked.
“Yes. I want you to forgive me. But I want more than that.” His voice was deep and slow.