I looked at him. “Why?”
“I told you I would.”
I shook my head. “No. You said when this was over you would tell me.”
“What else do we have to do down here?”
“We could try to find a way out.” I blinked. “You don’t think we’re going to make it out of here, do you?”
He closed his eyes. I saw him wince with the pain. “I didn’t say that. I think you’re going to walk off this plane, no matter what.”
“And what? You’re not?” My voice rose with panic.
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“Syd, listen to me.” He rustled enough so that we were facing each other. “I have to plan for all scenarios. One scenario is that we get the bad guys and we leave. Alive.” He cleared his throat. “Another scenario is that they realize how expendable I am.”
“No.” I choked.
“If that happens, you need to know about Project Compass. It’s the only shield you’ll have to protect yourself.”
“No. I don’t care about the fucking file. I want to figure out how we’re getting out of here. How you’re going to do something heroic and amazing to save us. Let’s talk about that. I know I’m not much help without a computer, but I can do something. We need a plan. Tell me the plan.”
He lowered his eyes. “If I did that, I’d be leaving you unprotected.” When he lifted them back to me, I lost my breath.
In that one gaze, I saw our life together. I remembered how he would look at me when he came home at night. How his hands raked over my body when we climbed in bed together. The moment he handed me the first glass of wine on Becca’s new patio. The hunger in his stare when he kissed me, pressing me up against the wall. The laughter when I tried to cook him dinner. The calm we felt on a lazy Sunday on the couch. The pain when he realized I had started hacking. The unbearable grief when he left.
“Wait, wait,” I whispered. “Before you tell me about Project Compass, I need to tell you something.”
“What is it?” He rubbed the pad of his thumb over my knuckles.
“I-I…if something happens to us, I don’t want it to end like this. I’ve hated you since you left, but only because I love you so much.” It was hard to force the words out. But I knew this might be my last chance to tell him. And if I didn’t, I’d live with the regret. The same kind of regret I faced at night when I tried to sleep. Regret for not trying harder. Regret for not tracking him down when I was completely capable. Regret for not fighting for the kind of earth-shattering love we had found in each other. I wasn’t going to live the rest of my life the way I had spent the past five years.
“No matter what I’ve done. Or where I’ve gone, I couldn’t stop myself from missing you. From missing us. From wanting to go back and undo all the stupid shit I did. I know I screwed up. But I still love you. I never stopped even when I swore I did.” I sniffed, trying to control the kind of emotion that couldn’t be contained. “I hated you for leaving. You hurt me. You broke my heart, AJ. I shouldn’t forgive you, but I do. I love you even though I told myself not to.”
What if this was the last moment I ever had to share all of it? The love. The joy. The pain.
He brushed my hair behind my ear, with both hands tied together. “I don’t even care if you’re only saying it because you think I’m going to die.”
I shook my head. “No. No. I don’t want you to die.”
He chuckled. “I know that, babe.”
I blushed, hoping the tears would stop. “I guess it is true that people say crazy things in intense situations.”
He smiled. “It is. So I guess it’s my turn?”
I nodded. It felt like confession, only without the priest and the small wooden box dividing us with a poorly made screen.
“I shouldn’t have left. I’ve never regretted anything more in my life than that day. I would do it over. I swear to you, Syd. I’d change all of it. Everything. I can’t tell you how many times for the past six months I wanted to knock on your door at night. I wanted to walk in and kiss you. Hold you. Tell you I was a fucking idiot. Some nights I had to lock myself in, just to keep my hands off you. Because you’re all I can think about. All I want. All I’ve ever wanted.”
I believed him. Maybe it’s because he said what I had wanted to hear for five years, but I believed the words. I believed the look in his eyes. The warmth in his hands.
He pressed his forehead to mine. I could feel his breath. I swore I felt the rhythm of his heart beat against my chest.
“I still love you, Syd. I always have.”
I nodded as he pressed his lips to mine. I drank in his kiss as if it was our first. Part of me knew to savor it as if it were our last. I wanted to memorize every corner of his mouth. The way his tongue flicked against mine. The way he could make me purr. The feel of his hands on my face. I wanted to live in this moment forever. Even if it meant this was how I died. I couldn’t leave him here. Not alone.