Resist

“Sometimes I think it would be easier if I hadn’t taken a job with clearance requirements. I can’t even tell Preston half the stuff I’m upset about. It’s like I have half a conversation and have to leave all these blanks. He listens, but he doesn’t get it because I can’t tell him everything. That’s not normal is it?”

“I think maybe in this town it’s kind of normal.”

I felt as if I were doing the same thing, but not because I had sworn an oath.

“I guess you’re right.”

The sunlight dappled the hardwood floors. I looked at the clock.

“Shit. I have to get in the shower.” I pulled out my chair. “I don’t want to be late or my oh-so-pleasant officemate will make passive aggressive comments about it all day.” I turned to leave.

“Not going well?”

“She’s not the worst, I guess. Have a good day. I’ll see you…”

Greer sat at the table, holding her mug. “I’m not sure. The contract issue has me working non-stop. Maybe tomorrow night.”

I smiled. “Sounds good.”

I walked in my room and started my morning ritual

.

Addie beat me to the office. She was on the phone when I walked in. I set up my laptop and scrolled through my schedule for today. I had a meeting with Max Harrison. It was the first of several mentor check-ins for the year.

The entire process was one giant interview. I knew when I made it to the end I could interview at other places. I didn’t have to stay at American. I didn’t have to put in for one of the teaching positions. I was trying to get my footing. I didn’t want to think about what happened ten months from now.

The reason I moved to D.C. was to give myself options. To explore something new. I didn’t like that somewhere in the back of my head I had the idea that staying at American would be better if I wanted some kind of future with Vaughn.

It was still too early to try to call Garrett. He hadn’t texted or called last night. I felt guilt worm through me. I hadn’t thought about him until now. The desperation I had felt vanished when Vaughn came over.

Did that make me a terrible sister? Did it make me heartless and cold? Was I so used to Garrett’s threats and wild ideas that I could ignore them for a night when he may have needed me most? Who was more selfish?

I twisted my hands together. I no longer saw the images on my screen. I was lost. I needed more coffee—or air. I needed space away from the incessant clicking that came from Addie’s tongue when she spoke.

I mouthed to her that I’d be back in a few minutes. I pushed through the lobby, ignoring the long faces of the women already lined up for the morning. Meg looked confused.

“Be right back,” I explained.

There was a small campus store a few minutes from our building. I headed that direction. At least if I returned with a fresh cup it will have looked like I accomplished something.

I stood in line to fill a cardboard cup, reading the headlines of the newspapers and magazines while I waited. Students talked about classes. I overheard someone mention plans for fall break. That was next month.

I paid for my coffee and stepped into the sunlight. D.C. had already said goodbye to the sweltering summer. There was a new coolness in the air.

My phone vibrated and I awkwardly reached in my bag to grab it without spilling my coffee.

“Good morning,” Vaughn spoke before I could say hi.

“Good morning.” I stopped by a tree, holding the cup close to my chest.

“Get my notes?”

“I did. I liked the second one.”

“Both of them are true. I just got out of my first meeting.”

Students walked past me. “I’m headed into one now. I stopped to get more coffee.”