All In (Firsts and Forever 2)

I don’t know how long I cried. It could have been minutes or hours. I just let all of it out, all the hurt, all the pain, all the anger, as I completely gave myself over to my tears. I mourned the loss of my family, the loss of their love, the loss of the home I’d grown up in, the life I’d had.

It had been so much to lose.

Finally my tears slowed, then stopped. I realized I was laying on the floor of my living room with Dante wrapped around me like a protective shell, pressed against my back. I rolled over in his arms and clung to him, and he held me tightly. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t offer advice, or try to reassure me that everything was going to be ok. He just held on to me. And it was so perfectly right.

When finally I trusted my voice to work, I whispered, “I’m sorry.” It sounded raspy from all the crying.

“Angel, you have no reason to apologize.”

“But I do. I’m so sorry to put you through that. You were having fun. You were enjoying our date. And then I had to go and ruin it for you by—” I didn’t get to finish my apology. Dante took hold of my chin and tilted it upward, so gently, and his lips found mine. The kiss was tender and sweet. It was more than that, too. It held so much promise.

We lay on the floor kissing for a long time, and then Dante sat up and leaned against the wall. He unfastened the top button of his shirt and loosened his tie, and pulled me onto his lap, wrapping his arms around me securely once again.

“We can’t sit like this,” I murmured, even as I snuggled against his shoulder. “I’m too heavy. Your legs will go numb.”

He just went right on holding me as he murmured, “No they won’t.”

After a while I said randomly, “This was my first real first date. Jamie and I never dated. We just sort of transitioned over a long period of time from friends who hung out to friends that made out. Then when I broke up with him, I started going out with a girl named Callie.”

“I didn’t realize you’re bisexual.”

“I’m not. I was with Callie because I thought I could deny who and what I was. I thought I could force myself into a straight lifestyle. It got pretty serious between Callie and me, even though we never slept together. I even got as far as asking her to marry me, and she actually said yes. Our engagement didn’t last long. I recently admitted to her that I was living a lie, that I was gay, and we broke up. She should hate my guts for doing that to her. I don’t know why she doesn’t.”

“I think it would be impossible to hate you,” Dante said quietly, running his hand over my hair.

“Oh, it’s not impossible. And she really should hate me now. I feel so bad for letting her get caught up in the lie I was trying to tell myself.” After a pause I said, “I’m not sure why I started talking about that.”

“You were telling me about your dating history.”

“Oh. That’s right. So, yeah, I dated Callie for a few months. But that was just going through the motions as I tried to be something I wasn’t. So when you think about it, this, tonight, was my first real date. And we spent it breaking into my parents’ house and then burning through your handkerchief collection as I totally had an emotional breakdown on my living room floor.” I sighed and said, “I was wrong to involve you in this, to pull you into my fucked up family drama. I don’t know what I was thinking, bringing you along. Except that I really didn’t want to do this alone, and I didn’t know who else to ask, and then you came to the bar, and—”

“I’m so glad you didn’t do that alone.”

“You must be so damn sorry you ever asked me out,” I said with a sad little smile, my head still on his shoulder.

“On the contrary. This has been one of the best nights of my life.”

I chuckled a little at that. “If there was any possible way that was true, I’d really worry about what the rest of your life must be like.”

“It’s absolutely true.” I sat up a bit to look at him as he said, “I don’t date. It’s just not something I do. The last time I even attempted it was with Dmitri, and that was over two years ago. I’m lucky that fiasco didn’t end up costing me a friendship.”

“So, if you don’t date, what do you do?”

“I fuck.”

“Ah.”

“You won’t believe me when I tell you I’m so glad we had this night, instead of the night I had planned. The one where I was just going to buy you dinner and then take you straight to bed.”