I tried to put my worry aside as I loaded my makeup case in the back of Phoenix’s SUV, then climbed into the passenger seat. After we exchanged greetings and he pulled away from the curb, he said, “I’m clearly off my game as a personal assistant. I should have told you to leave that huge case in the Bronco last night, instead of hauling it in and out of the apartment.”
“I didn’t think of it, either.”
He glanced at me and asked, “Are you okay? You seem sort of down this morning.”
So much for my attempt at a poker face. “I’m fine. I just have some stuff on my mind.”
“I’m surprised. I expected to find you giddy with happiness after an entire weekend with your precious Gabriel.”
I glanced at his profile and said, “I would be, except that I’m screwing it up already.”
“I highly doubt that.”
“I’d explain, but you probably really don’t want to hear about my sex life, especially first thing on a Monday morning.”
Phoenix shrugged and told me, “If you think it’ll help to talk about it, go ahead.”
“Okay. Well, without going into graphic detail, Gabriel wanted me to take charge last night, and I froze up. I knew exactly what he wanted, but I just couldn’t do it.”
“Since you told me you’re submissive, is that surprising? It seems like taking charge is the last thing you’d want,” he said.
“It’s not like I’m totally disgusted by the idea of taking control. In fact, the only part that makes me uncomfortable is Gabriel watching me awkwardly flail my way through it while I try to gain some confidence.”
Phoenix asked, “Have you talked to him about this?”
“I can’t. Not yet, anyway. I’m trying so hard to get him to think of me as more than the insecure kid he used to know, and this would definitely send the wrong message.”
He glanced at me and said, “You know what sends the message that you’re a mature adult? Communicating openly and honestly with your partner.”
I couldn’t help but grin, because sometimes Phoenix seemed like my own personal Ted Talk. “I know you’re right, but it’s much easier to say than do. When you’ve been in relationships, did you feel comfortable telling your partner about your anxiety and self-doubt?”
“No, I really didn’t.”
“See? It’s tough to make yourself that vulnerable.”
“You’re not wrong.” After a pause, he asked, “Have you thought about visiting a BDSM club? You wouldn’t have to participate, but it’d probably give you some ideas.”
“That’s the thing though, I already know what to do. Gabriel and I talked about this a long time ago, so I know he’s not into the hardcore stuff. He doesn’t need me to tie him up and deliver forty lashes with a bullwhip, thankfully. All he needs is for his partner to be confident and in charge. I should be able to do that! I fake confidence all the time, like whenever I go on a job interview. But I just couldn’t manage it last night, and now I’m worried about derailing our relationship before it even has a chance to get off the ground.”
“I think that’s the real problem here,” Phoenix said, as we rolled along slowly with the morning traffic. “You’re afraid of making mistakes, and that fear is holding you back.”
“It definitely is, but what do I do about that?”
“I have no clue. In fact, I really shouldn’t be giving relationship advice when my own love life is a dumpster fire.”
I pivoted in my seat a bit so I could look at him. “In the year I’ve known you, I don’t think you’ve gone on a single date or even hooked up with anyone. You just put all your time and effort into your clients, going way above and beyond your job description to take care of them. But what about you? When are you going to take time for yourself?”
“Probably very soon, not by choice. I don’t have another gig lined up when Will’s part wraps in three weeks and my contract with his agent ends. He wants me to work for him again when his next movie starts filming this summer, but he really won’t need me between now and then. I don’t know what I’ll do. I mean, financially I’ll be fine. I have a lot of savings. But I like to be busy, so I’m not looking forward to a bunch of downtime.”
I exclaimed, “It’s the perfect time to get out there and date! Are you on any of the apps? I can help you take a sexy profile photo if you want. I’m thinking buck naked, except for a cowboy hat and a smile.”
I was joking about that, because Phoenix was hardly the type to post a beefcake picture online. But he looked flustered as he blurted, “No! Definitely not.”