Second Nature (His Chance 2)

Gabriel caressed my cheek and said, “You look like you have a lot on your mind.”

“I was just thinking about our housing situation. What are we going to do if all we can afford is someplace as small as my apartment in L.A., but at three times the price?”

He smiled at me and said, “We’re both creative people, so I’m sure we can figure out how to make a small space work for the two of us.”

I slid closer and took his hand in mine. “I love your optimism.”

“I think you’ve been rubbing off on me.”

I asked, “You think I’m optimistic?”

“You kept believing for four years that we’d find each other again, against all odds. I’d say that makes you one of the most optimistic people I’ve ever known.”

“I had to believe that,” I said. “I wanted you too much to accept the fact that we might never see each other again.”

He ran a fingertip across my lower lip as he asked, “Why me, Riley? Why’d you decide I was the only one for you?”

“You’re the kindest, gentlest, most loving person I’ve ever known. In fact, you literally taught me what love was. That year I spent in Simeck’s home, I was full of so much self-hate. I felt worthless and unlovable. But then one day, you appeared. You didn’t know who I was or anything about me, but you saw I was hurting and you comforted me. Then you came back a few nights later, and you did it again. And again. Nobody had ever cared for me or about me before. But you did.”

I continued, “You were, and are, so beautiful inside and out. I can see why I called you Angel. That beauty just radiates from you. And you let yourself be vulnerable, which just astounded me. You probably think I don’t remember, and granted there are plenty of holes in my memory. But I remember some things, like when you’d whisper to me late at night and tell me your worst fears.”

He asked, “What did I say?”

“You were scared you’d always be alone and no one would ever truly love you. You said even if someone tried to get close to you, you’d probably just end up pushing them away. You also said you were afraid to trust people, because trusting someone gave them the ability to hurt you.”

Gabriel nodded and said, very quietly, “All of that’s true.”

“I should have told you I loved you, and that you could trust me. That’s what I wanted to say, more than anything. But I was scared too, because I knew you didn’t feel the same way about me.”

“I don’t know what I would have said, but I really did love you. And I felt horribly guilty that I kept leaving you there, given what Simeck was doing to you.”

His voice broke, so I said, “Please let go of that guilt once and for all, Gabriel. I stayed by choice, just remember that.”

“Did you stay for the drugs?”

“No, I could have gotten them somewhere else. I stayed because I think I needed the pain. Not that I got off on it, but I needed it anyway.”

“In what way?”

“Being high all the time dulled everything. That was part of the appeal, but at the same time it frightened me. I felt like I was losing myself,” I said. “The pain Simeck dished out cut through the haze, and it brought my mind into sharp focus the way nothing else did. I needed it, as odd as that might sound. It woke me up, while the drugs and alcohol made me feel like I was sleepwalking a lot of the time.”

He asked, “Did you feel like you were sleepwalking with me?”

“No. The pain might have cleared my head, but you made me feel alive. That probably seems like a cliché, but I don’t know any other way to say it. I felt numb a lot of the time, but when we were together I was able to feel safe, and loved, and cared for, even through that layer of fog I spent most of my time in.”

“I actually know exactly what you mean. That’s what it felt like for me, too,” he said. “I don’t know if you realize it, but I got as much from our time together as you did. You loved and accepted me unconditionally, and I needed that desperately.”

“I’d always thought it was one-sided.”

“No, not at all.” He ran his hand over my cheek and told me, “That’s why it was so easy to decide to be with you when you came back into my life. The sexual attraction was new, but all the other pieces were already in place—the love, the trust, the friendship, the mutual understanding. From there, it was just a short tumble to falling in love with you.”