Sailor Proof (Shore Leave 1)

“Oh.” A team. Why hadn’t I thought of it that way before? And, more to the point, could I be that with Derrick? Team us. “But even though you were a team, it still sucked, being without him?”

“Yeah, it did.” She squeezed me closer. “But at the end of the day, I wanted to be on his team, with all that meant, even if it was hard.”

“Because it was worth it?” I’d heard her say similar things enough times, but this time I really let those words settle deep in my soul. That she thought the sacrifices she’d made were worth it was more than clear, but I’d always seen her as misguided in that belief, settling for less than she should have. I hadn’t seen the team at the heart of their marriage. I’d always focused on who she was without him, but maybe a better inquiry was who she was with him.

“I think it was.” She nodded, her gaze going distant as she glanced over at the kids. “But that’s a question only I can answer for myself. I can’t say if it’s worth it for you.”

“You can’t?” I wrinkled my nose. There was a whoop of laughter as the kids tossed a big beach ball. “You’re not here to tell me to buck up and soldier through for Derrick’s sake?”

“Nope.” She shook her head. “You’ve got to make that choice for your own sake, no one else’s.”

Choice. There was that word again and I hated it, hated that Derrick had left me with one instead of extracting a promise from me. Making it through as martyr would be so much easier than having to choose to be here. I made a frustrated noise.

“I know you think he’s good for me. The mature and responsible option, unlike my career aspirations.” My voice was bitter as my head churned, so much static filling my brain.

“He is good for you, but not if being with him makes you miserable.”

“Huh.” Did it make me miserable? I was doing an A+ job of convincing everyone around me of that, apparently. But inside, I wasn’t so sure. I didn’t want to be miserable and I didn’t think Derrick wanted me miserable either. But what if my attitude was the real choice all along, not whether or not to choose to love Derrick? I’d been struggling because I couldn’t seem to control my emotions about Derrick. But I could control my reactions and that was exactly what I had not been doing.

Mom brushed my hair off my forehead. I was in desperate need of a trim, and the gesture made me feel like I was ten again. “Being with you at family camp, I was reminded how special you are, how remarkable your gifts are.”

“I don’t fit in, though.” Even as I said it, I knew that wasn’t quite true. I had fit in with Derrick, had never felt out of place around him, and through that sense of belonging, I’d felt more at home around the family than I had in years and years. He’d centered me in a way that I couldn’t really make sense of, even in my own head.

“No, but you sure do stand out.” Mom laughed as loud as she had all day. “And as you’d undoubtedly say in a better mood, why fit in when you can be a star? Stand out. Do you.”

“You did listen.” I blinked. All that work at family camp had been worth something. She’d heard.

“I always listen. And that’s your challenge now. Be yourself. Don’t do something because we all expect it.”

“What if what everyone expects is the right thing to do?” I countered right as the bouncing ball landed between us. I batted it back to the kids. “What if the right thing for someone else is the wrong thing for me?”

She signed and leaned forward. “I wish I had an answer, Arthur. Do you, but doing you has consequences.”

“I guess the key is figuring out what consequences I want to live with,” I said at last.

“That’s all we can do,’’ she said as Oliver called from the back. “Oops, time to check the food. You okay?”

“Yeah, I think I am.” I exhaled as she walked away, but I didn’t budge from my spot. No easy answers, even from Mom. No one to tell me what to do. No—

My phone buzzed, interrupting my muddled thoughts. I checked the message and suddenly my weeks of deliberating and dithering over choice seemed silly. I’d known all along what I was going to do. And I didn’t need Derrick or my mom or anyone else to tell me. Do you. If I wanted to be the best Arthur I could be, and indeed the happiest me, there was only one real course of action. I’d been inching toward the answer all day, and now the universe had sent me confirmation, and I knew precisely what I had to do.