“How do you see yourself, Jacques?” I asked. “When you look at yourself in the mirror, when you think back on the last five years, what do you think? Do you feel like you’ve acted like a reasonable man?”
Jacques was silent for a long time, so long that I expected him not to answer, thought he would stalk out of the room, as he had so many times before when one of us had dared to challenge him.
“I don’t understand you at all,” I continued. “For ages, you told us Étienne’s plan would never work, that it would be foolish to even try. But it was working, we all saw it. Even you, I suspect. Is that why you sent her away? Do you not want to get better? Is that it?”
Jacques’ jaw set, and he looked away. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“No? Then explain it to me. Please, I’m dying to understand. Let’s start with why you sent Isabel away, why you wouldn’t let any of us go with her.”
“She was…” Jacques hesitated, as if searching for the right words. “She was changing things.”
I stared. “That was the whole point! We wanted things to change.”
“I didn’t,” Jacques said quietly.
“Why the fuck not? You wanted to spend the rest of your miserable life locked up in this godforsaken castle.”
“Yes!”
“But why?” I repeated. Jacques tried to turn away, but I grabbed him by the arm. “Explain it to me, I don’t understand.”
“It’s what I deserve,” Jacques roared. I dropped his arm as if it had burned me. “Isn’t it obvious? I’m damaged goods, worthless — worse than worthless. Everything that I touch, I ruin eventually. I couldn’t do that to Isabel. She’s too good, too gentle. I didn’t deserve her. I would have hurt her eventually. Better to send her away now, before any of us got too attached.”
“We were already attached,” I said quietly, shocked. “Surely you could see that? And what about the rest of us? Is that what we deserved?”
“Of course not,” Jacques said. He couldn’t meet my eye. “You’re right, I am selfish. And scared. I’ve locked myself away because I can’t bear for the world to see me for what I am. But you’re wrong about one thing.”
“And what is that?” I asked.
“You said that I felt that your loyalty to me was my due. That’s just not true. I know how much you’ve all given up for me. The six of you have kept me alive for five years. There’s no doubt that I would be dead now, if not for you. You’re all better men than I could ever hope to be.”
“That’s just not true,” I insisted. “Why do you think we’ve all stayed here for so long? It’s because of you, because we love you. We see a goodness in you that you can’t see in yourself.”
“And how much longer do you think that can last?” Jacques countered. “Sooner or later, you’ll all see that you were wrong about me, and you’ll go, and I’ll be all alone. Every day, I wake up and I’m terrified that this will be it, this will be the day you all decide to go.”
I stared. “How could you think that? After everything that we’ve been through together?”
Jacques didn’t answer. He was shaking, his face pale. Reaching out, I clasped his arm again. “We’re all in this together, Jacques. As brothers. Do you understand that?” Jacques nodded once, his face inscrutable. “Good. Now, we should go to Isabel. She needs us.”
Abruptly, Jacques’ face twisted, and he pulled away from me. “I can’t.”
My patience, already thin, finally snapped. “Then let us go!”
“What’s going on here?” Drawn by our raised voices, the rest of the household had gathered in the kitchen. Bernard glanced back and forth between my face and Jacques’.
“I was just explaining to Jacques that he’s being a selfish asshole,” I said.
“Can’t argue with you there,” Alexandre muttered under his breath. Bernard cast him a warning look, and he fell silent.
“Fine,” Jacques said abruptly. “If you want to go to her so badly, leave. Just don’t expect me to welcome you back. If you go, you’d better pack all your bags.”
For a moment, there was absolute silence. Then everyone spoke at once.
“Now hold on.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Let’s talk about this.”
“I do mean it,” Jacques said, his eyes fixed on mine. “It’s me or her. Make your choice.”
I held his gaze. “If that’s how you want it, I’ll go pack my bags.”
“Isiah…” Bernard began. I cut him off.
“I mean it. This has gone on far too long. It’s not right. Anyone who agrees is welcome to join me.”
For a moment, I thought I was on my own. Then Raphael squared his shoulders. “I’m coming with you,” he said.
“Me too,” Alexandre said, studiously avoiding Jacque’s eyes.
“Please don’t do this,” Bernard said, desperation in his tone. “We all need to stick together.”