“What did you do?”
“I fucked her, but it was how I did it. I wanted to pretend my feelings for her weren’t what they were. I told her not to look at me, Truitt. I tried to pretend like it all meant nothing.”
I scrubbed my hands down my face and exhaled. Truitt waited for me to keep going.
“Afterward, I felt like such an asshole. I was rough, and I knew she was sore but wouldn’t tell me. I walked out of the room and left her there.” I closed my eyes tightly as I said, “God, Truitt, I was a dick, and she accused me of things…things that nearly brought me to my knees.”
“What things?” he asked.
I opened my eyes and looked at my brother. “She said I treated her like a paid hooker.”
“Ouch,” Truitt said.
“She assumed I told her not to look at me because I’d been thinking about another woman.”
“Why did you lose control like that?”
I clenched my jaw together so tightly it ached. “I don’t know. We made this stupid bet playing pool. I tied her up. It was different, and it turned me on, and when she looked at me with such love and trust in her eyes… I think I knew I had fallen in love with her…and that fucking scared me. I needed to take back control. To do what I did best. So, I took her from behind, and I lost myself in her. But I didn’t want her to see me like that. I didn’t want to see the trust fade away. I don’t fucking know… Maybe subconsciously, I wanted to push her away.”
“Because you’re afraid of loving her, or because you’re afraid you still have feelings for Kerri?”
I wiped away a tear that had suddenly appeared. “I don’t have feelings for Kerri. Not anymore.”
“Then what in the hell is your problem? Why do you push everyone away? Why did you push Annalise away?”
“When I lost Kerri, it felt like I lost a piece of myself. I vowed I would never let another woman have that kind of power over my heart again. With Annalise, though…everything feels so different. If I gave Annalise my heart, she’d have the power to destroy me.”
“What do you mean?”
I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my legs, dropping my head into my hands. “God, I don’t know, Truitt! The first time I saw her, something happened. I don’t even know how to explain it. It wasn’t like when you see a beautiful woman and you want to explore her body, spend a few hours in bed with her, and then move on. With Annalise…she brings out this whole other side of me. She makes me feel so goddamn happy. My heart beats differently when she’s near me. I don’t know how to put it into words. I feel something more powerful with her—and that scares the living shit out of me. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t make me feel a bit guilty because I never felt that with Kerri. And I truly thought Kerri was my soulmate.”
“Roger, have you ever stopped and thought about how Annalise came into your life? That maybe she’s your destiny? Your soulmate? There’s a reason you two met.”
I jerked my head up and met my brother’s gaze. “She said the exact same thing.”
Truitt shrugged. “I’m just saying, if life gives you a chance at happiness, at love, at being with someone who makes you feel like your heart is stronger simply by having them at your side, then why in the hell would you not hold onto it with all you’ve got?”
I could feel my eyes building with tears once more. “What if she gets taken away from me? I survived Kerri leaving me. I won’t survive if I let Annalise in and lose her.”
“Then you have to ask yourself something. Is it better to have loved her and had her in your life, for however long you get? Whether it’s fifty years or five? Or would you rather let her go and never know what loving her would be like?”
Truitt stood and placed his hand on my shoulder. With one strong squeeze, he said a million things at once. Then he let go and opened the door to walk out. Before he stepped out, he stopped and looked back at me.
“And just so you know, Rick isn’t her date. He’s Patty’s nephew, and he’s here to help them with a purchase they’re making. He’s a lawyer.”
I groaned and rolled my eyes. “Christ, lawyers are the worst.”
Truitt let out a soft laugh. Then the door clicked shut, and I was plunged into a solitary silence.
I wasn’t even sure how long I sat in the small room before I finally made my way back to the ballroom. By the time I got there, the tables had been cleared and people were either dancing or out on the terrace.