“I-” I stutter, still not finding the words.
“Don’t overthink this,” he adds. “If you love me, say yes and we’ll figure everything else out.”
I do love him. So I let the small word slip from my lips and I let him slide the ring on my finger. I hold my hand out, under the moonlight and admire my new rock.
“I love you,” he whispers, pressing kisses to the base of my neck.
This is right, I think. This is how it’s supposed to be.
My anxiety is through the roof when we finally get back to Noah’s house. I need to get away from him, from everybody. My skin feels like it’s on fire, my brain is racing.
Everything feels worse, heavy, and difficult to understand.
“Mik,” I hear Noah’s voice call out after me, but I ignore him. My feet lead me to the stairs and away from him as fast as I can.
I slam the bedroom door behind, letting my back hit it as I press myself against it and melt to the floor. A sob wracks its way through my body, growing from my stomach until I’m heaving with tears racing down my cheeks.
I haven’t cried in a while.
Not about Auden, not about anything.
I’ve turned myself into a rock. Unfeeling, letting everything roll off of me. If I’m numb, I can’t feel the pain. I can’t be hurt.
It’s better that way, I think.
But Noah split me back open, exposed me to all the feelings and pain I’ve been hiding from and now everything is attacking me at once. My lungs burn, my heart aches. My whole being is rocked and now that the floodgates have opened I’m sure I’ll never be able to close them back up again.
“Mik,” I hear Noah’s voice as I feel the reverberations of his knock through the door.
I don’t open the door, don’t respond to him. Instead letting myself continue my sobbing on the other side, s
eparated from him. His scent lingers in this room though and everything in this house reminds me of him, even the divider between us can’t give me enough space.
“Mik, I can practically hear your head spinning in there.” He says through the door, his voice sounds more pained now. “Please, let me in.”
The plea feels like it's for more than just letting him into this room. He wants back in my heart, my soul. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can give up everything for him.
I feel another sob wrack my chest, my breathing is uneven only sucking in a breath between every burst of tears.
“Fuck.” Noah growls before pounding his fist on the door, shaking the frame and me along with it.
I hear him move, his steps creak on the wooden floor as he walks away from the door. Finally, a bit of peace. It’s not long before he’s back though, shoving something in the lock and pushing the door open, invading my space.
He leans down, hovering over me, taking an assessment of my disheveled appearance before he scoops me up in his arms and carries me to the bed. He lays me down, curling up next to me with his arms wrapped tightly around me. He holds me as I cry and doesn’t let me go until I fall asleep from the exhaustion.
I don’t know how long I sleep for before I feel Noah stir next to me. He shifts, moving away from me and dangling his legs off the bed.
“Hello?” he nearly growls into the speaker of his phone. “Fuck, let ‘em through.”
It takes me a moment to adjust myself to the world again. There’s a haze hanging over me from all the crying. My face feels puffy, my eyes feel sore. My head aches, a constant pounding in my temples.
“What’s going on?” I mumble groggily. I wipe the back of my hand across my eyes, probably smearing my makeup in the process. Noah looks agitated, running his hand through his hair as he sits on the edge of the bed, tucking the cell phone into the pocket of the dress pants he still wears.
“Baby,” Noah leans in, fists planted on the mattress but his voice is as sweet as honey. “I need you to get up okay.”
His words take a minute to process in my groggy brain. “What’s going on?” I repeat.
One hand comes forward, brushing my hair out of my eyes before cupping my face in his palm. “I need you to remember that you trust me, okay?” His dark eyes hold mine, waiting for the answer.