Absolution (The Protectors 1)

Cole gently probed the raised flesh before dropping his hand to my cheek.

“Lucky,” I whispered.

“What happened after?”

“They institutionalized me for a while until they said I wasn’t a danger to myself or others. As soon as I got out, I picked up where I’d left off. Bought another gun, made plans to get it right the next time around. Then I met a man who offered me something I wanted more than my next drink.” I hesitated for a moment before I said, “You still sure I’m not that man anymore?”

“I’m sure,” he said with a nod as he brushed a soft kiss over my lips. “Because that man wouldn’t have given one thought to whether the man he saw through the scope of his rifle deserved to be there or not.”

The next kiss Cole laid on me both eased and terrified me at the same. Eased me because I could feel that Cole was in just as deep as me and terrified me because he’d just validated my greatest fear...that there would be no coming back for me a second time if I lost this.

Chapter Twenty

Jonas

As I listened to Cole and Mace kiss, I felt my heart start pounding as I realized I’d been right the night before as I’d watched them making love to each other. I was in love with both of them. And I was scared to death at what that meant.

I’d woken up alone just a few minutes earlier and the emptiness I’d felt had been crushing, because it was a sign of how quickly Cole and Mace had changed everything I’d thought about myself…everything I’d spent years coming to accept. Even with my inattentive parents, I’d still known as a kid that I would someday meet the man I was supposed to be with. I’d dreamed of what that man would look like, sound like. I’d envisioned him being the suit and tie type who’d come home after a long day of work and not care that when I greeted him, it was with paint stained fingers. He’d be attentive and open with a wicked, teasing sense of humor and he’d want the same things as me – kids, dog, white picket fence.

One night of Eduardo’s “lessons” changed all that. I knew the second he stole what remained of my childhood that he was stealing the man, the kids and the white picket fence too. The men that came after took what was left, and it was only by sheer lack of knowledge that I hadn’t lost everything else after dragging the razor blade across my wrist in one smooth glide as I’d sat on the dirty floor of my bathroom.

Casey had managed to give me back a piece of myself by showing me that being family didn’t necessarily mean sharing blood, but I hadn’t been foolish enough to think I’d find a version of the man from my childhood fantasies. Victor had been proof that I’d been right because he’d been everything I’d wanted – patient, sweet, understanding. Until one night when he wasn’t. When he became one of the many men who took rather than gave.

There’d been several men since Victor who’d shown an interest in me, but I hadn’t even considered trying again. And it wasn’t just the fear of sex that held me back. It was the fear of losing that one last piece of myself to someone else…that piece that had made me get up off that dirty bathroom floor and reach for a towel to stem the flow of blood from my wrist, instead of picking up the shiny razor blade so that I could finish what I’d started.

But I knew now that Mace and Cole didn’t want to take that from me. The only things they wanted to take were things I would have gladly given up willingly if I could have…the pain, the darkness, the memories. But they’d done the next best thing. They’d lanced the part of my soul where those things festered and then they’d given me what I needed most…a choice.

I’d been sure I wouldn’t be able to be a part of their lovemaking the night before so I’d stayed by the bedroom door so it would be easier to walk away when it became too painful to watch them together. I hadn’t expected them to include me so completely without even touching me. And in that instant that they both watched me as they loved each other, my childhood version of my perfect other half dissolved and morphed into the two men in front of me. After that, it had been easy to walk forward, straight into Mace’s arms.

Now as I sat on the stairs just out of view of the screen door, I listened to my men as they murmured a few more things to each other that I couldn’t make out, and then went back up to the master bedroom and crawled into bed. I heard their footsteps on the stairs a moment later and I closed my eyes. Not because I wanted to hide from them but because I didn’t want Mace to know I’d heard his painful admissions. I knew he’d tell me when he was ready.