I reached up to the head of the bed to grab a pillow and curled it beneath my arms so I would have something to hold onto. The finger continued to rub over me, but when Memphis began increasing the pressure, I closed my eyes and buried my face in the pillow.
It hurt.
There was just no way around it.
I did my best to stifle my cry of pain as Memphis’s finger breached me, but I wasn’t sure the pillow managed to muffle the sound all that well.
“You okay?” I heard Memphis ask and I felt his free hand come up to rest on my lower back.
I nodded and forced myself to say, “Don’t stop.”
Because as much as it hurt, I didn’t want him to stop. I couldn’t explain my need to have him inside of me even knowing it might not be a pleasurable experience.
The finger sank deeper into me and I sucked in a breath at the pain that flooded my insides. I couldn’t tell how far inside of me Memphis actually was, but I hoped like hell he was in as far as he could go because the pain wasn’t as intense when he wasn’t moving. I knew he’d probably start finger-fucking me next just to loosen me up some, since that was what I had always done when I’d prepared my lovers, so I focused on my breathing and not the burning sensation in my ass.
But it didn’t matter, because I felt Memphis pull his finger back and instead of pushing it forward, it disappeared from my body. I waited several long seconds for it and a second finger to penetrate my body, but when nothing happened, I closed my eyes. I didn’t need to look at Memphis to know he’d figured it out.
I wanted to cry out at the knowledge that this was over. But I didn’t expect Memphis to climb over my body and lay down on top of me, his front pressed to my back, his very hard cock nudging my ass.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, his voice surprisingly gentle considering the circumstances. I’d expected anger or frustration.
I turned my head to the side so he’d be able to hear me. “I didn’t want you to change your mind.”
Memphis’s heat felt good against my suddenly cool skin.
“You’ve never been with a guy?”
“I have,” I murmured. “I’ve just never bottomed before.”
When Memphis didn’t respond, I tried to turn so I could see him, but his weight was restricting my movements. “I still want it…I just don’t know what to do,” I stammered. When he still didn’t say anything, I closed my eyes and bit back the shame that coursed through. “Please, Memphis, please…I need this so badly.”
“Why?” Memphis finally whispered against my ear.
“I don’t know,” I answered in all honesty. “I just do.”
“You should share this with someone who means something to you,” Memphis said quietly.
I knew I should come up with some flippant response to diffuse the sudden intense shift this encounter had taken, but I couldn’t force myself to do it. So I told him the truth.
“I am.”
Chapter Five
Memphis
They were the last words I expected to hear. And they should have had me climbing off of Brennan, dragging my clothes on over my painfully hard cock and getting the hell out of there. Everything about this had gone terribly, horribly, beautifully wrong!
I’d like to say I’d been in control from the moment Brennan had walked through the door, but it was complete and utter bullshit. I’d managed to fake it pretty good, but the second he’d touched me, I’d forgotten that I was just supposed to fuck him and be done with it. I’d even let him touch me in ways that no man had in years. It was a level of intimacy that I’d promised myself I’d never allow anyone else to have again.
Ever.
Except that was exactly what I’d done.
It wasn’t that I hadn’t ever bottomed before or that I didn’t like it. I actually did like it. In the past, I’d even craved it. But it wasn’t the act itself I no longer wanted – it was the need to trust that went along with it.
Maybe if Brennan hadn’t looked up at me in that moment to gain my permission, I could have ordered him to release me, shoved him down on the bed and fucked him until I was done with him. But one look into his desire-filled eyes and I’d known I would give him what he wanted…what I wanted. Hell, if he’d asked me if he could fuck me in that moment, I probably would have told him yes.
I’d managed to keep from spilling down his throat like I’d so badly wanted, but even once I’d had him flat on his back, I still hadn’t been able to rut into him like I’d planned. I’d been able to get control of my lust enough that I could explore him the way I’d wanted to, but with every touch, every kiss I’d laid on Brennan, he’d become more and more desperate. His body had been shaking violently beneath mine and he’d been breathing so harshly that I’d momentarily wondered if he was having some kind of panic attack. And then I’d heard him whisper that desperate plea.