“Could I what?”
“Choose me over him?” I asked.
Tristan held my gaze for a long time before he shook his head. “No, I couldn’t.” Tristan covered his eyes with his hand. “Fuck, Brennan, I’m sorry. I don’t know how this happened.”
I forced his hand away from his face and whispered simply, “You love him.”
Tristan nodded and began blinking rapidly in his attempt to hold back the tears I could see building. “If I’d just stayed out of the way, maybe…”
“Tristan,” I said softly before I brushed my mouth over his. “I’m exactly where I want to be and if it ends up just being me and you, it will be because he chose not to be with us. I can’t and won’t choose. Period.”
I wiped away the tears that fell and then kissed him again. I kept the kiss light because Tristan and I had agreed this morning that we wouldn’t be together in any kind of sexual way if Memphis wasn’t with us.
“I love you, Brennan,” Tristan murmured and then his arms were wrapping around my neck and pulling me down for an embrace.
“I love you too, Tristan,” I whispered against his neck and I just held him like that even though I was very aware of the coldness at my back and the piece of my heart that hadn’t quite found its home yet.
Chapter Twenty
Memphis
I could feel Tristan’s anxiety even though I wasn’t looking at him. I tried to focus on packing my bag, but knowing how distressed the young man was made it difficult.
We’d left Dom and Logan Barretti’s island house early this morning so we could get back to Seattle in time for Brennan to make it to work. I’d ended up dropping Brennan at his and Tristan’s apartment, but Tristan had come back to the hotel with me so he could get his car. Brennan’s car was also still at the hotel, but I knew in addition to giving Brennan a ride to work, Cain would make sure he got back to the hotel to pick the car up.
In the parking garage, I’d expected Tristan to say his goodbyes and get in his car and go. But instead, he’d asked me if he could come up to the hotel room with me. We’d still been sitting in my car and he’d ended up grabbing my hand where it had been resting on the console. His voice had been shaky and uneven and he’d been squeezing my fingers so hard that I’d finally realized how upset he was. I’d told him yes, though I’d known it would probably only make things harder for him.
I’d refused to acknowledge that it might make things harder on me too.
Because after flying to New York to deal with Ray, my plan was to return to my home in Oregon. With the loan sharks dealt with, Tristan and Brennan wouldn’t need protection anymore and there was no reason for me to stay in Seattle any longer. Once I had confirmation that the two fuckers had left the state, I’d send Phoenix and Cain on to their next assignments and I’d focus on my own role as team lead.
Tristan had stuck to me like glue as we’d walked up to the room and I’d actually taken his hand in mine once we’d reached the elevator. I hadn’t even cared when people had stepped onto the elevator with us – I’d continued to hold his hand until we’d reached the room. He’d followed me into the bedroom and sat down in the armchair in the corner and hadn’t spoken a single word as I’d started packing.
I turned to glance at him and saw he was twisting his hands together. The nervous gesture tore at me. “Tristan, you should probably get going,” I said gently.
He chewed on his lower lip for a moment before saying, “You’re coming back, right?”
I turned my back on him and tucked the last of my belongings into my bag. I began the process of unloading my gun in preparation for the flight. “I need to check on some things at home,” I hedged.
I heard Tristan get up, but I knew it wasn’t to leave. I knew he wasn’t going to make this easy for me or for him. I waited for him to touch me or to speak, but when there was only silence, I actually looked over my shoulder and when I didn’t see him, fear clutched my heart. I whipped my head around the other way and finally found him standing in the doorway of the bedroom. He was facing the living room, but didn’t move any farther. I could see his shoulders shaking and I felt my insides drop when I heard a muffled sob.
“Tristan,” I said softly and he turned around. He wiped at the tears on his face.