Vengeance (The Protectors 5)

“No we’re not,” Memphis said and we both turned to see him standing by the window, his back to us. He slowly turned around and I could see the tracks of tears on his face. “I was too fucking late,” he whispered. “I couldn’t save you in time.”

Brennan stiffened and wrapped his arms around himself.

“And I don’t know how to save you now,” Memphis said softly as he shook his head.

“This is ridiculous!” Brennan snapped. “We got through it! We’re all here, together! Like we’re supposed to be. I told you I was fine! Why the hell won’t you believe me?”

I was saved from having to answer by a knock on the door and I felt my heart nearly punch through my chest. Since Brennan made no move to answer it, I went around him and walked to the door to open it.

Eli gave me a reassuring smile just before I opened the door all the way so Brennan could see him. I hadn’t asked Eli what he was going to say when I’d asked him to come and talk to Brennan. He’d merely wrapped his arms around me as I’d cried my heart out to him and then he’d told me it would be okay.

The four of us stood frozen in time for a moment. Eli only took a couple of steps forward into the room before pausing and his eyes never left Brennan. For his part, Brennan looked like a deer caught in headlights as Eli held his gaze.

I nearly missed it. I would have if I hadn’t been looking at Eli at the exact right moment. He softened his expression just a little bit and then he nodded. A tiny move with a devastatingly painful outcome because a second later, a sob tore free from Brennan. It came from somewhere deep inside of him and it hurt so bad to hear it that I had to put my hand to my own stomach in the hopes of stemming the pain. Another soul-crushing sob and then Brennan covered his eyes with one hand. But it did nothing to hide the tears that started to fall, or the way his mouth opened on what I could only classify as an agonized scream that I felt in every cell of my body. I dropped my eyes, but not before I saw Memphis lower himself to the floor in a crouching position that had him covering his hung head with his arms. I forced my eyes back up when Eli began moving forward. Brennan didn’t protest when Eli put his arms around him, but I didn’t actually feel a sliver of relief until Brennan finally hugged him back and then buried his head against Eli’s shoulder and began crying in earnest.

Because that was something else Brennan hadn’t done since the day of the rape.

He hadn’t cried.

Not once.

Not one single tear.

Chapter Thirty-One

Memphis

I didn’t even bother getting up from where I was sitting on the deck when I saw the car start up the road leading to the house. All I could tell was that it was black, which didn’t mean much. Between all the visits I’d gotten from Ronan and Mav, I wasn’t sure whose turn it was this week to have their “Come to Jesus” moment with me. It likely wasn’t Mav since he rarely drove anywhere, preferring instead to ride his Harley, but at that point I didn’t give a shit. I was tired of the same old message.

It’s not your fault.

How many times had I heard that over and over again in the days and weeks since I’d left Seattle? After watching one lover flee from me because of what I’d let happen to him and then cruelly abandoning the other because I was too much of a fucking coward to face him or anyone else.

Tristan hadn’t tried calling me or even texting me after I’d left the hotel. I hadn’t even told him to his face I was leaving – I’d left him a fucking note telling him I was sorry and that I needed time.

Time?

For what?

No amount of time would undo what had been done…what I’d done.

And what I hadn’t.

Added to my list of crimes was the fact that I’d never told Brennan and Tristan how much I loved them. I’d been too much of a coward to admit it to them before Drake’s attack and afterwards…well, afterwards, I’d felt like I had no right to say the words to either of them.

I’d told Tristan in the note to stay in the room for as long as he wanted, as if that was some kind of consolation prize for ditching him. I’d even left Tink behind with the young man because I’d been too raw to even deal with the cat’s unconditional affection.

Tristan had ended up staying in the hotel for another week, but I hadn’t known that because I’d asked him. No, I’d only known it because the hotel had eventually emailed me the receipt after he’d checked out.