The drive to Lulling was well over twenty hours and by hour fourteen I was sure Hawke was a robot because he was showing no signs of fatigue and he’d ignored both my offers to take over driving for a while. We’d stopped only when we’d needed gas or food and I’d long ago given up on trying to draw him into conversation. I’d talked to Matty a few times throughout the day which helped pass some of the time because I always felt better afterwards, but as we drew closer and closer to Lulling, I could feel the tension overtaking my body.
We’d just crossed over the border into New Mexico when Hawke finally exited the Interstate and stopped at a small restaurant that was attached to a gas station. We ate in silence and then gassed up the car, but instead of getting back on the road, Hawke drove across the street to a small motel. Despite the early hour, I felt my eyes grow heavy as I waited for Hawke to check in. Our room ended up being at the far end of the motel and I was thrilled to see that it was surprisingly modern for its small size and remote location. There were two queen beds in the room along with a flat screen TV sitting on top of a large dresser. Hawke chose the bed closer to the door, leaving me with the one near the bathroom.
“I’m going to shower,” Hawke said tersely. I was surprised by the anger in his voice and watched as he dumped his duffle bag on the bed and jerked it open. As he pulled out a couple of items of clothing, I went and sat on the other bed.
“Are you okay?” I ventured.
“Fine.”
I wanted to laugh because the way he barked the word said he was anything but fine, but all I could feel was the fear building in my gut. Because I’d been in this exact position more times than I could count…the calm before the storm. When would the explosion come? What words would I end up saying or what thing would I end up doing that would make him snap – that would have him lashing out at me with his voice and ultimately his fists?
“Did I do something?” I asked quietly, hoping like hell I could deflate Hawke’s anger.
Hawke stilled, but didn’t turn to face me. “No,” he finally said and even though the word was spoken quietly, his tone still simmered with agitation.
“Um, okay…I’m going to video chat with Matty.”
Hawke didn’t respond, but I did see him digging around in his bag and then he was turning to me and handing me his tablet. “Use this, the screen’s bigger,” was all he said before he grabbed his stuff from the bed and strode into the bathroom.
I waited until the water was running before calling Ronan from the tablet. Both he and Seth were with Matty and I could tell they were in the toy room with him. We spoke for only a few minutes since Matty was playing with his friend, Susie. Ronan assured me the final chemo treatment had gone well and that they would call me in the morning as soon as Matty was awake. I felt tears sting the backs of my eyes as Matty came back on the screen and told me he loved me. My fingers were shaking by the time I hung up and I stood up to put the tablet back in Hawke’s bag. But the sight of the back of the picture frame I’d seen sitting in Hawke’s house had me freezing. Before I could even consider what I was doing, I put the tablet down on the bed and reached for the picture. I already knew what I would see when I turned it over, but seeing it from a distance wasn’t the same as seeing it up close.
It was a candid shot of Hawke and the woman I had no doubt was his wife.
Revay.
The picture had been taken outside and I realized they were standing in front of the house in Wyoming because I could make out the porch just behind them. Hawke’s wife had been a beautiful woman with platinum blonde hair, flawless skin and bright blue eyes that were lit up with life and laughter. She was smiling at Hawke who had his arms around her. He was considerably taller than her and I couldn’t miss the fact that there were no burn scars on his face. They were stunningly beautiful together, but it was Hawke’s expression that held my gaze. He was looking down at Revay, his mouth open wide with laughter. He looked so young and happy and carefree that I reached my finger up to run it over his features as if I could somehow experience that moment with him. But just as my finger made contact, the picture was ripped from my grasp.