I couldn’t have any of those things. I mean, what was the point? Even if I could somehow get past the fact that I didn’t deserve a guy like Phoenix in my life, what would happen when he found out who I really was? Hell, he didn’t even need to know about what had happened seven years ago to hate me.
I automatically tugged my sleeve down on my wrist and then shook my head.
No, I couldn’t risk spending any more time with him. I couldn’t want like that. It would make my already bleak world so much worse.
The thought was well and good, but as soon as I lifted my gaze and saw Phoenix standing on the other side of the alley, his back to the wall and his dark eyes on me, that flutter in my belly exploded into a feeling unlike anything I’d ever known before. And the relief that I hadn’t missed him…
I shook my head even as I stepped into the alley and let the door swing closed behind me. He didn’t move towards me, but he never took his eyes off me either as I approached him.
I’d let myself have this one thing. These few minutes where I could pretend I was someone else. I’d be a regular guy who was allowed to feel excitement and anticipation. I’d let myself imagine what it would be like if Phoenix leaned down and kissed me and I’d walk by his side and dream of him reaching out to take my hand in his. And when my few minutes were up, I’d go back to being who I really was…Levi Deming, coward, weakling, murderer.
I was okay with adding selfish and foolish to the list of my crimes if it gave me the chance to pretend even for a little while that the last seven years hadn’t happened.
Phoenix straightened once I reached him. His lips pulled into a slight smile, but he didn’t say anything and neither did I. I just fell into step next to him and followed him from the alley to his car. He opened the door for me again and waited until I was seated to close it behind me. Maybe I’d add the sin of pretending we were on a date to the ever-growing list.
“I’m glad you came, Levi,” Phoenix said as he climbed into the SUV.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out.
“For what?”
I slid my eyes so they were looking through the windshield instead of at him.
“For thinking you were like him.” I knew I’d slipped up earlier and mentioned T by name, but that didn’t mean I wanted to say his name again…hell, I didn’t want any part of him in this moment.
“Tell me his real name, Levi. I can help you.”
I shook my head before turning to look at him. “We should probably go. I don’t want to be late.”
Phoenix studied me for a while before starting the car. My body was trembling, but I didn’t know why. I wasn’t scared exactly. It was something else.
I didn’t realize what the feeling was until Phoenix stopped the car a few minutes later and grabbed my wrist before I could get out. His thumb began stroking over my skin. I both wanted to tear my hand free so I could escape the car, and crawl across the console into his lap.
What the hell was happening to me?
“Levi?”
His voice brought me back to reality and I realized I’d missed something based on the expectant way he was looking at me.
“Sorry, what?” I asked.
“What time do you get off work?”
“Um, late…or early I guess, depending on how you look at it. Five o’clock tomorrow morning.”
He nodded and released me.
What would I do if he leaned across the console and kissed me? What could I do to make him do just that?
But he remained where he was and the embarrassment of my train of thought had me scrambling to get out of the SUV. “See you tomorrow at St. Anthony’s?” I asked before I remembered that none of this was real. I was supposed to be telling him not to come back.
“Yeah, see you tomorrow,” he murmured softly.
I forced myself not to look back at him as I closed the door and hurried towards the grocery store’s employee entrance. But just before I opened the door, I did look back.
Only, he wasn’t there.
Disappointment curled through me, but the lingering warmth on the inside of my wrist where he’d been stroking me reminded me it hadn’t been a dream, not entirely anyway. I hung onto that sensation for the rest of the night as I cleaned floors and stocked shelves. And it was still there when I stepped out into the early morning darkness and rounded the corner the next morning, intent on heading for the bus stop.
And it lingered even as my eyes fell on the familiar silver SUV sitting alongside the curb and the man leaning against the side of it.