I was on Hawke before I could stop myself, but he easily sidestepped the blow I’d intended for him. He grabbed me and shoved me back against the side of the house and before I knew it, his forearm was pressed against my neck, threatening to cut off my air supply. Hawke held me there for a moment but never increased the pressure on my neck and despite knowing how lethal he was, I never felt a moment of true danger. He finally shoved away from me. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
I managed a nod but I couldn’t get his last question out of me head.
Can you say the same thing about Trace?
“Can you hang out here for a bit?” I muttered as I rubbed at my throat. Hawke nodded and I pushed past him and began walking across the patio. I snapped out of my reverie long enough to notice the barking coming from inside the house and I turned to see Bullet pawing at the kitchen door. I sidetracked and opened it and then followed the dog down towards the beach. As I began crossing the lawn, I glanced up and saw Seth watching me from one of the windows in his room. Much like the day I’d arrived. And like that day, he turned away from me.
I ignored the urge to go back up to his room and lose myself in his body again and made my way down to the beach. The full moon cast the entire back yard in an eerie glow that matched my mood. I’d been itching for a fight with Hawke just so I wouldn’t have to feel any of the emotions Seth’s words had called forth, but now I was stuck with Hawke’s words instead.
I had no doubt that Trace had loved me but I’d always had a feeling that my love for him was just a little bit…more. There wasn’t one thing I could put my finger on that had made me feel that way. Maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t ever pressed me for details on my childhood. Maybe it had been that he’d never bottomed for me, even after I’d asked him to. He’d simply told me he didn’t do that, hadn’t ever done it with anyone and that was it. Conversation over. I hadn’t really cared that he’d relegated us to the roles we’d played in the relationship, but his flat out refusal to even consider letting me know him in that way had left me feeling like he didn’t completely trust me.
Not like Seth trusted me.
I came to a stop as the realization hit me. I was doing to Seth what Trace had done to me. I’d taken everything Seth had given me but all I’d given back was the pleasure my body could give his. I knew Hawke was right…Seth was all in. He’d meant the beautiful words he’d said to me, that he’d whispered against my lips as our breaths, our bodies, our souls had connected. I’d loved Trace but I couldn’t deny that what Seth and I had just shared had shattered me in a way that I’d never experienced with Trace.
Guilt rushed through me and I didn’t even make it to my log on the beach before I sank to my knees. A chill went through my bones but it wasn’t from the cold. I’d suffered after Trace had been taken from me but I’d lived. I’d survived. But I knew in my gut that I wouldn’t survive it if I lost Seth. I was in love with him. Plain and simple. And yet it wasn’t. I’d been in love with Trace, but with Seth…God, I lived and breathed for Seth.
Bullet pushed against my hands with his cold nose and I sank down on my ass as he practically crawled into my lap. I wrapped my arms around his big body and buried my face against his fur. I couldn’t help but wish it was Seth I had my arms wrapped around…that I could accept the comfort he’d been offering from the first time he’d followed me down to this very beach after our encounter in his bathroom. But I couldn’t have Seth that way. Not because I didn’t want him but because I knew Hawke was wrong about one thing – there was no way Seth could love me enough to overlook all the things I’d done since I let his big brother die.
* * *
I hadn’t expected Seth to wait for me the next morning like he usually did, especially since I’d overslept and was running ten minutes late. But he was sitting patiently at the kitchen table, the travel mug he’d bought from a coffee shop that we frequented on the way home from the office sitting in front of him. He looked as bad as I felt and I had no doubt he hadn’t fared much better than me in the sleep department.