“Everything’s changed so much and so fast.”
“Things will be clearer when life gets back to normal,” I offered. But my words seemed to agitate him more. He didn’t respond. Just nodded and settled back against my side and began flipping channels again.
“Did you always know you wanted to go into politics?” I heard myself asking. It was a topic we’d both worked hard to avoid, but I found myself avidly interested in the subject now. Of course, I was interested in everything there was to know about this man.
“No,” he said. “It was more like I accepted it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Brody was the one with big dreams. When people would ask him what he wanted to be, he’d have those stock answers like being a fireman or an astronaut.”
“And you?”
“I was too afraid to answer.”
“Afraid? How so?”
“Growing up in the Wilder household was about one thing and one thing only. Having the right answer. And by right, I mean the answer my father wanted you to have. I got that early on. Brody struggled with it. It was harder for him to accept that our lives had already been decided for us. I tried to help him by taking the attention off him…by doing things so well, he’d maybe have a chance to be the things he wanted. It didn’t really work, though. I think he resented me, and my father just saw him as a failure and a disappointment. I guess in the end, I just made things worse.”
“You were trying to protect him,” I said softly.
“Trying and doing aren’t the same thing,” he responded. “Brody was always the brave one. He was the one who had the guts to ask why things were the way they were. I just did what was expected. Straight A’s in school, captain of the football team, dated the most popular girl in school…I never broke the rules. Brody, he was always finding ways to stretch them.”
“So why stay in politics after you decided not to run as a Republican?”
“I thought I could undo some of what I’d done.”
“To Brody?” I asked carefully.
He nodded. He was still staring at the TV, but I knew he wasn’t watching what was on the screen anymore.
“Knowing people would never leave Brody alone to live his life…that he’d carry this label around that somehow made him less than human…I couldn’t just stand by and let that happen. This whole time I had myself convinced it was just about Brody and people like him. I don’t know why it was so hard to admit the truth to myself.”
“Not many people seek out being different, Nathan. I sure as shit didn’t want to be gay,” I admitted. “I knew I wanted to be with David, but I think if I’d had a choice in the whole thing, I would have chosen the path that ensured I could have everything I wanted. Military career, family. I mean, who wants to have to fight for things that should just be a given? It shouldn’t have been about me fighting to be allowed to love whoever I wanted. But that’s what it became - that’s who I became. Not a soldier, not a man, not a brother. Gay. I’m gay first and everything else second. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is.”
“You don’t think things can change?” Nathan asked as he straightened and turned to look at me again.
“Over time, maybe. But do I think in my lifetime, or even yours, that that label will go away? No, I don’t.”
“But that doesn’t mean we should stop fighting. Maybe the battle we win today is one less battle that needs to be fought tomorrow.”
I sighed and nodded. “Maybe. But I’m damn tired of fighting,” I murmured.
Nathan nodded and settled back against me. “Here, you old geezer,” he said as he handed me the remote.
I took it and let my free hand slide down his abdomen until it lingered just above the button of his jeans. “Geezer, huh?” I said softly as I gently bit down on his earlobe. Nathan shuddered, and then his hand was covering mine and trying to urge it south. “Maybe you need a repeat of what I did to you on that kitchen table?”
The sounds coming out of his mouth had no meaning, but it was clear what his bobbing head was saying. Then he was turning to seek out my lips. Unfortunately, an alert on my phone beeped, and I was forced to pull my mouth from his. “I gotta check this, baby,” I said as he tried to follow me with his mouth. He let out a growl and dropped his head to my chest. I grabbed my laptop off the side table and opened it up.
“Someone besides your assistant opened the email,” I said.
“Can you trace it?” Nathan asked.