I used my fingers to lift his chin. “I want you to make love to me,” I clarified.
This time he did release me and he scrambled upright. But when I got up to give him some distance, he held out his hand. I took it and sat back down on the bed so I was facing him. I shifted my body so I could put my legs on either side of him because he was on his knees.
“It doesn’t need to be tonight, Aleks… or ever,” I said. “It’s just something I’ve been thinking about—”
“Is it because I’m not ready?” he asked sullenly.
“What?” I asked.
“Do you pity me and want to show me it isn’t so bad or something? So I’ll let you do it to me?”
I forced myself to ignore the little sting of pain that came with his show of doubt.
“First off, I don’t pity you, Aleks… I’ve never pitied you. You’re a survivor, not a victim, and surviving takes strength. I don’t pity strong people.”
Aleks lifted his eyes a little. “Then why?” he asked.
“Because I want to be that close to you. I want to know what you feel like inside of me. I want to know that you’re part of me in a way that no one else can claim.”
The statement made him more tense. “You’ve never…”
“I have,” I interjected. For some guys, it would have been a turn-on to learn their partner had never had certain types of sex. But the added pressure of taking someone’s virginity would have just heightened Aleks’s anxiety.
I could tell he was both relieved… and something else… he actually looked a little jealous.
I let myself touch his cheek. “But when it’s you inside of me, it’s going to be so different, Aleks.” He shifted his eyes to me, clearly curious. “I’ve fucked plenty of guys and I’ve been fucked by a few,” I said. Aleks flinched at the word, but I knew it wasn’t just because he himself didn’t like to swear.
No doubt his perpetrators had used that word to describe what they were going to do to him.
The jealousy in his expression had also increased so I quickly added, “But it’s never been about more than just pleasure. Does that make sense?”
Aleks nodded. “I didn’t think…you’re big and strong and experienced… I didn’t think you’d ever let anyone do that to you.”
And there it was, the crux of the discussion.
I took in a breath because I didn’t want to risk saying anything that could even chance screwing this up.
“It was a choice like any other. What those men did to you wasn’t about choice, or even sex. It was about power and control. Look at your brother and his fiancé… does anything about their relationship seem to be like any of those things?”
“No,” Aleks said quickly. “They kiss all the time and sometimes…”
He blushed prettily. “Sometimes I can hear them at night or even in the bathroom every once in a while—”
Aleks slapped his hand over his mouth for a second. “Oh God, Dante would die of embarrassment if he knew I knew that.” A small smile graced his lips and I used the opportunity to move even closer to him.
“It sounds like your brother and Magnus can’t keep their hands off each other,” I said as I began running my fingers over the back of the hand Aleks had clenched in his lap.
“They can’t,” he agreed.
“If you’re going to compare what you and I do to anything, compare us to them, not those assholes who used sex to hurt and humiliate you.”
Aleks opened his hands so I could play with his individual fingers. He dropped his eyes to watch me touch him.
“You really want that with me?” Aleks asked.
I wasn’t sure if he was talking about him fucking me or the actual relationship stuff like his brother had. Didn’t matter because the answer was and always would be the same.
“Yes.”
He looked up at me. “What if I’m never ready for you to—”
“Then that won’t be a part of our relationship. Would it surprise you if I told you plenty of gay and bisexual men just don’t like anal sex, period? It isn’t because they were hurt by someone or because they don’t trust their partner… they just simply don’t find the act pleasurable. Couples, whether they’re straight or gay, figure out what works for them.”
“So if what you and I have been doing this week were all it could ever be—”
“Then I’d consider myself a lucky man, because despite what brought us here, this has been one of the best weeks of my entire life, Aleks,” I told him.
He flushed with color and then nodded. “Me too.”
I hadn’t realized how badly I’d needed to hear that from him. Between his comments earlier in the evening about liking my grits better (which I’d known had absolutely nothing to do with my actual cooking of grits since I kind of sucked at it) and his affirmation that he was glad to be with me right now, here in this moment, I was reeling from the onslaught of emotion.