Watch Me

It'd taken several hours before I’d finally managed to make any progress, but even that had been painfully slow. My thoughts had been consumed with Nikolai and how he and his family were doing. I’d kept waiting for the moment when Nikolai would walk through my office door. I'd eventually resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to get any legitimate work done, but that had all changed when I’d received the call from the seller saying they’d gotten another offer on the land that TDS was in final negotiations to purchase. The potential loss of my deal had shattered the last of my ability to hold on to my thoughts. I’d frantically tried to research how I’d been scooped so late in the process but I hadn’t been able to make sense of anything. The fear had turned to panic as I’d envisioned my entire career disintegrating.

As the day wore on, I’d lost track of time. I’d managed to push through my nearly crippling panic enough to work to save my deal but then suddenly Nikolai had been there.

I’d wanted to be relieved to see him but his presence had only made me feel like more of a failure. He, of course, had been clueless about why I’d been so angry. Deep down, I’d wanted to walk into his arms and beg him to tell me that everything would be okay. I’d wanted him to reassure me that I was smarter than I thought I was and I could pull the deal back together.

Then I’d remembered that I wasn’t allowed to confide in Nikolai or seek solace in his arms. He wasn’t being paid to give a shit about my problems. So I’d blown up at him instead. I’d thrown some truly ugly words his way and then, thankfully, he’d left me alone. But instead of getting back on track, I’d felt even more fractured and desperate. My entire life had begun to cave in around me and I hadn't known what to do.

What I had known was that I’d needed to escape to someplace where it didn’t matter who I was. Someplace where no one would know the truth about how fucked up I really was. Or even if they did, they most certainly wouldn’t care.

Club Four was supposed to have been my salvation. A dance or two with some faceless guy and a quick fuck in the bathroom and my mind was supposed to have gone back to normal. The brand of normal that everyone else took for granted but that I craved.

I’d tried so hard to forget that Nikolai was watching me. I’d silently begged and pleaded for the music to take me away, but it hadn't worked. There had been hands roaming over my body and strangers pressed up against me as they’d whispered suggestive things in my ear, but I hadn't heard or felt any of it. All I’d felt was Nikolai and all I’d been able to think about had been my need to both escape and own him.

When I’d finally realized that my mind and body wouldn’t be satisfied with anyone besides Nikolai, I’d given up on trying to lose myself in the strange touches and hushed voices. But when I’d looked his way in the hopes that he’d somehow get my silent message that I just wanted to get the hell out of there, I’d been greeted by the sight of Angel draped over Nikolai’s arm.

As I’d watched Angel take Nikolai’s hand in his, I’d wanted to know what the young man with pink hair had that I didn't. I’d wanted to know why Nikolai was so willing to follow him to some darkened corner, but not me. Most of all, I’d wanted to let go and just not care.

But as hard as I’d tried, there’d been no letting go. The strange men who'd surrounded me with their hard bodies and the promise of sexual release hadn’t been enough.

They weren’t Nikolai, so they’d never be enough.

And then, suddenly, he’d been there.

I'd been so sure it was a dream.

As I’d stared at Nikolai’s outstretched hand, the music had blared around us and the men who'd been all but fucking me on the dance floor had made their displeasure about the interruption known, but all of that had fallen away as I’d looked at Nikolai's outstretched fingers. I’d understood what the heat in his eyes had been promising even as my brain had tried to warn me to walk away.

But walking away hadn’t been an option and just like that, my scattered thoughts had snapped back together and I’d been able to make sense of things.

No, not things, Nikolai. I’d made sense of him. I’d made sense of the fact that, job or not, he wanted me. All I’d had to do was take that one step forward. I hadn’t cared what the outcome would be or that I’d likely regret my actions later. All I’d cared about was putting my fingers in his and letting him take care of the rest.