Watch Me

I let out a breath and nodded. “My parents talked to me about it when I was twelve. I never really understood why they brought the issue up when I was so young. I mean, I guess I knew by that age that I was different…”

I let my words drop off as I remembered that day when I’d had to admit to something I hadn’t fully understood myself.

“Me too,” Jude said softly right before his fingers covered mine. I glanced at him in surprise, though I wasn’t sure if it was because he’d touched me without prompting or he’d shared something personal with me. “I was around that age when I started to realize that I didn’t see things the same way other boys my age did.”

I could hear something in his voice that said the experience of coming to terms with his sexuality hadn’t been pleasant. I wanted to ask him about it but the guarded expression in his eyes told me not to push my luck.

“Anyway, it turned out that it wasn’t just my parents who noticed that I was different,” I explained. “Some of the relatives were starting to see it too.”

I sighed as I looked at Maks. The toddler was nodding off against my chest. I focused on his innocent features. It wasn’t until Jude’s fingers brushed lightly against my forearm that I realized I’d gotten lost in my own little sort of daze.

“When my parents asked me about it, I told them the truth. My mom cried and my dad started reassuring her and me that everything would be fine. He was scared. I’d never… I’d never seen him look like that before.” I looked at Jude. “At first, I thought they were upset with me. That they were disappointed in me.”

“But they weren’t?” Jude offered.

I shook my head. “Not even a little bit,” I murmured. My heart began pounding heavily in my chest when Jude’s fingers intertwined with mine. Did he have any idea how right it felt? Him holding my hand like that? Did he have any clue how hard it was for me to even consider letting him go when he did things like that?

"Did you know that back then homosexuality was illegal in Russia?" I asked.

“No,” Jude said with a shake of his head.

"When my parents realized I was gay, they were terrified of what would happen to me when I got older. They could have easily told me that I would need to hide who I was, but they didn't."

"What did they do?"

I looked at Jude and then motioned to the apartment. "This," I responded.

He looked around for a moment before his eyes widened a little bit. "They left Russia to protect you," he said in disbelief.

I nodded. "They gave up everything. Family, friends, my dad's job as an art history professor. They gave up their entire lives so that I could have a future."

"That's amazing, Nikolai."

"It is. My parents had seen how the gay community in the US fought for equal rights. They realized that this country would provide a better chance for me to live a normal life where I didn’t have to hide who I was. Russia did eventually decriminalize homosexuality, but many still see it as a crime. Gay marriage isn't even on the horizon and they've enacted a gay propaganda law."

"What does that mean?" Jude asked.

"It means that you can't give out any kind of information relating to homosexuality to children. So kids who suspect they might be gay—"

"Don't have any kind of support system," Jude finished for me.

I nodded. "So even if we’d stayed in Russia, I would've had to hide who I was."

I was surprised when Jude's fingers skimmed through my hair just above my ear. "I'm sorry you and your family had to go through that, Nikolai," he said softly. His touch felt so good that I didn't dare disturb it by looking at him. I kept my eyes on Maks as the little boy continued to sleep against my chest.

"What about you?" I asked.

"What about me?"

"What was it like for you when you came out?" I asked.

Jude's fingers stilled in my hair for a moment. I actually found myself holding my breath until he began moving them again. "I guess I never really came out because there was no one to come out to," he responded.

"Your family—?"

"No," Jude interrupted, his voice stiff. He dropped his hand and I immediately felt the loss.

"You should go join your family for lunch," Jude suggested.

Before I could say anything, he added, "I know, I know, you don't want me to go anywhere by myself. I’ll stay up here until you're ready to take me back to my apartment."

I shifted enough that I could look at the man. The move jostled Maks a bit but he didn't wake up. "First off, the lunch invitation was for both of us. And second, what do you think will happen to me if I show up downstairs without you?"