Watch Me

Cliff waved his hand. “Premier will take over again. They’ll see to your security going forward.”

I shook my head but before I could say anything, Cliff added, “Just until they’ve determined who’s been sending the letters and who was in your apartment.”

“How did you know about that?” I asked. I purposefully hadn’t told Cliff about the intruder in my apartment because I hadn’t wanted to worry him.

“I have ears,” was all Cliff said.

I crossed my arms as nerves set in. I didn’t want anyone else watching me. That was Nikolai’s job.

Where the hell had that come from?

“You need to call Smithfield back and tell them…”

Cliff paused again, this time clearly irritated. The man wasn’t used to anyone telling him what to do.

“Tell them what?”

“That it was my fault,” I said. “Just tell them that what happened between me and Nikolai was my fault. I can’t… I can’t make you keep your contract with them, but Nikolai doesn’t deserve to lose his job.”

As I said the words, I realized they were entirely true. Nikolai had done his job. He’d kept me safe. Everything that had happened outside of that didn’t matter when it came to his work.

“Was it his job to detain you when you clearly wanted to leave your apartment to come here?” Cliff asked, his voice low with anger.

“Yes. No… Jesus,” I snapped because the goddamn ringing was back in my head. I turned my back on Cliff and tried to get control of myself. I imagined my cars lined up on my nightstand but no matter what I did, I couldn’t go there in my head. I couldn’t get back to those moments where I hadn’t been worth keeping. And when that voice in my head showed up, it wasn’t my own but someone else’s.

It's okay, Jude, I've got you.

Nikolai.

I nearly cried because I knew he wasn’t really in there. I was remembering the night I’d spent in his apartment after mine had been broken into. I’d fallen apart after I’d realized how badly I needed my stupid cars. Nikolai had offered comfort with his arms rather than judgment with his words.

The way you respond when I touch you… It's real, honest. You don't hide when we’re like this.

I shook my head.

Kiss me back, Jude. Please, my love.

I whimpered and covered my eyes with my hand.

You’re it, just as you are. You’re my future.

It was a lie. It had to be. It had to…

“He tried to stop me because he said he loved me,” I said. I knew Cliff was still behind me even though he hadn’t said anything.

“Do you believe him?”

The ringing in my head suddenly stopped and then the answer was right there, clear as day. And right on the heels of it came despair.

“Jude?” Cliff pressed.

I began nodding as I turned around. “Yes, I believe him,” I choked out. The realization of how badly I’d messed everything up crashed over me in endless waves. How had I not seen it? If Nikolai’s job had been to keep the status quo, he’d done a piss-poor job of it. He’d challenged me at every turn, and he’d forced me to face some painful truths. Would someone who was supposed to just keep me “happy” have done that? The man had held a gun on me to make a point, to get through to me. I loved Nikolai, but he was a shit actor. The man said and did exactly as he pleased.

My vision blurred as tears filled my eyes.

“I threw it back in his face,” I whispered. “I couldn’t… wouldn’t let myself believe him. It’s too late… I’m too late.”

“Seems like he left the door open on that,” Cliff said.

I shook my head. “You weren’t there. You didn’t see the way he looked at me when I walked away. I know your guys told you everything, but they don’t know Nikolai. They wouldn’t have seen that. He’s good at masking his emotions with other people.”

“But not with you?”

“No, not with me,” I confirmed as I thought back to all the bits and pieces of himself that Nikolai had let me see.

“Kyle told me only that Nikolai was reluctant to let you leave,” Cliff said softly. I looked at him in surprise.

“What?”

Cliff pulled something from his pocket. It was my cell phone. “Helga found this in the garbage. You should turn off your notifications,” he said. My phone’s screen lit up as he handed it to me. Nikolai’s name flashed over and over on it along with the preview of each text he’d sent in the time since I’d thrown the phone out.

I practically snatched it from Cliff’s grasp.

“Now, was there something else you wanted to talk to me about, son?”

“What?” I asked as I began scanning the messages. The ones from Nikolai were the only ones I was interested in. I was relieved to see that most of them were in the same vein as the first—that he was worried about me and missing me.