Shattered (The Protectors 11)

I just wanted to call back my admission.

And I wanted to see my blood flow so that I had some shred of proof that I was still human.

Because I didn’t know what I was anymore.

I had no idea how much time passed before I felt like I could breathe again. I expected Jace to release me, since I’d calmed enough that I wasn’t fighting him anymore. But he didn’t. He just kept holding me until I slumped back against him. When I did, he said, “I think that doctor would have told you that what happened to you and Nick and Eli was beyond comprehension. I think she would have told you that your mind had to cope with that level of depravity in the only way it could and that there is no making sense of any of it. And she would have told you the same things she’s probably had to tell Eli over and over again.”

Jace paused before whispering his next words one agonizingly slow syllable at a time.

“It’s. Not. Your. Fault.”

He gave me a little shake. “Do you hear me? It’s. Not. Your. Fault.”

I sucked in lungsful of air as the anxiety in my belly began to grow every time he spoke.

It was too much.

It was just too fucking much.

Jace’s mouth pressed against my ear and I heard him let out an almost agonizing sounding whimper. “Please, Caleb. Even if you don’t believe me, say you hear me. Please.”

I didn’t believe him.

I couldn’t.

But I wanted him to not hurt anymore.

And I knew he had to be hurting.

A man like Jace didn’t beg – unless maybe he was desperate.

I didn’t answer him out loud. I didn’t have the strength for that.

But I did nod.

Just once.

It appeared to be enough for Jace, because his hold eased on me just a little bit. He held me there like that for several more seconds before he said, “Come back to bed, Caleb. Let me hold you.”

There were no platitudes about how things would look better in the morning or requests asking me to believe him. All he’d asked was for me to hear him and to hold me.

And it was probably me stretching things, but I wanted to believe he’d asked to hold me not just for me, but for him too.

I wasn’t sure how Jace knew it was safe to release me and urge me back into bed, but he did. We ended up in our regular position, with him pressed up against my back, his arm around my waist. I hadn’t noticed, but at some point, he’d grabbed some tissues. I didn’t resist as he worked my sleeve up and mopped up the blood that had started flowing from the three small cuts after I’d gouged at them with my fingers. He held the tissues against my skin for several minutes until the bleeding stopped.

We didn’t speak, because there was nothing to say.

Nothing had changed. I wasn’t magically fixed and the urge to cut hadn’t gone away. I’d done it all for nothing. I hadn’t even managed to drive Jace away with the humiliating admission that I was so much more than a freak who sliced up his own skin to feel better.

So if nothing had changed, why did I feel different?

Not better, exactly.

Just… different.

Emptier maybe, but not in the way I liked.

It wasn’t until my eyes drifted closed and the edge of sleep crept in that I realized what was different. I wasn’t emptier. No, that definitely wasn’t the right word.

Jace’s muscled arm tightened around my midsection as his breath fanned over the back of my neck, and I wanted to smile. Did he think I would float away from him while we were sleeping?

And that was when it hit me.

That different feeling… I wasn’t feeling emptier, but something else entirely. Something I hadn’t felt in a really long time.

Lighter.

Chapter 7

Jace

He was gone when I woke up and the panic that went through me was complete and absolute. That was twice in three days that he’d managed to get away from me without me even so much as stirring.

I practically fell out of bed as I tried to get my bearings. I darted toward the upper deck but came to a sudden stop when I caught sight of him standing in front of the small stove, carefully cracking an egg into a skillet. He looked up at me in surprise, the empty eggshell dangling in his fingers above the crackling pan.

“You’re still here,” I said dumbly.

I saw a smile ghost across his mouth. “We’re in the middle of Chesapeake Bay, Jace. Where am I going to go?” He dropped his eyes to what he was doing, but the smile didn’t leave his face.

I’d take it.

After the hell of last night, I’d pretty much take anything at this point.