Caleb shook his head. I leaned down to press my lips to his ear. “It’s okay, Caleb. You can tell me anything. It’s just between us.”
He hesitated, then said, “Some guys cornered me in the shower after gym class one day. They… they forced me to face the wall and started asking if I liked any dick up my ass or if it had to be my daddy’s dick. Then they started to wonder if it even had to be a dick.”
I felt my blood run cold at his words. I closed my eyes and sent a silent prayer heavenward that I could hang onto my control, no matter what he told me.
“One of them went and got one of the bats from the room where all the sports equipment was kept.”
No.
I managed to keep the word in my head, even though all I wanted to do was yell it out loud. But Caleb must have picked up on my distress because he turned and looked over his shoulder at me. “Nothing happened,” he said quickly. “The gym teacher saw him taking the bat into the shower and yelled at him. The guys let me go and pretended like nothing was going on, then got out of there when the teacher told them to get to their next class.”
“Did you tell anyone?” I asked.
Caleb returned his gaze to the water and shook his head. “I started skipping gym class after that, then my other classes. That’s when the drinking intensified. I was failing most of my classes and since there was no way I could get my grades back up in time to graduate this spring, they started talking about holding me back another year. I ended up dropping out. Mav and Eli were so disappointed.”
Jesus fucking Christ. How had I not known things had gotten so bad for him?
You didn’t know because you didn’t ask, you fucking coward.
“Are you and Dalton together?”
Caleb’s question pulled me from my thoughts. “What?” I asked, completely thrown.
“Is he your boyfriend?”
“No,” I said. “He and I have never been together like that.”
“But he’s gay, right?”
“He is,” I confirmed. “How did you know?”
“The way he looks at you,” was all Caleb said. “Why weren’t you ever together?”
I sighed because the conversation had taken a turn I hadn’t been expecting. But I’d promised him that I’d answer his questions. “Because I’m not what Dalton needs. And he’s not what I need, either.”
“What do you need?”
Yeah, this was definitely not the direction I’d wanted this to go. I debated how to phrase my response so I wouldn’t scare the hell out of him. “Caleb, when the pain gets to be too much for you, you cut to let some of it out, right?”
“You didn’t answer my question—”
“I’m going to,” I assured him. “Just answer mine first, please.”
“Yes. Most of the time I’m just numb, but when things get to be too much, I… I need to get it out. I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t.”
“I use sex to accomplish the same things, Caleb. I don’t hurt my partners, but I’m aggressive with them. I turn everything I’m feeling on them. I always make sure they get off, but that’s really all it’s about. There’s no emotion when I touch them. I never see them again, never talk to them again. I control the encounter, their reactions, my own…”
“It’s not real,” Caleb murmured.
Humiliation went through me as he repeated my own words back to me. “And just like you, I’d rather have the illusion,” I said.
Caleb let out a heavy breath but didn’t say anything. After all, what could he say?
“Jace?”
“Yeah?” I said. It was funny because I suddenly felt wiped out. I’d gone into this thing in the hopes of drawing out some of the shit that was festering inside of Caleb, but somehow, he’d turned the tables on me without even trying.
“I know what I want now for keeping your secret about your complete and utter lack of grace on the ski slope.”
I smiled despite myself. “Okay,” I responded.
I was surprised when he turned around so that he was facing me. He sat Indian-style between my outstretched legs. There was a little color in his cheeks, but I wasn’t sure if it was because of the cold morning air or the emotion that had come with the admissions he’d made. But none of that mattered the second he gave voice to his request and whispered, “I want to kiss you.”
Chapter 8
Caleb
I was sure he wasn’t going to go for it. Not with the way his jaw went tight and his fingers dug into where they were resting on his thighs. But he surprised me by nodding his head. I wanted to laugh because I couldn’t tell if he was pissed or worried or excited.