I laughed and wiped at my eyes as some of the heaviness in my chest eased.
“He brings me Sno Balls,” I said with a grin.
Eli smiled. “See, it’s true love.”
We fell silent for a moment before I said, “Eli, he gave me some of those things – the first kiss, the falling in love for the first time… other stuff I probably shouldn’t mention.”
Eli chuckled and softly said, “A lifetime of firsts.” He looked at the engagement ring on his left hand. He must have seen my confusion because he removed the ring and handed it to me. “Turn it over,” he said.
I did and saw that the phrase A Lifetime of Firsts was inscribed in the ring. “Wow,” I said. I handed it back to him and watched him slide it on. What would it be like if I wore a ring that Jace gave me? Was that something he even wanted? He’d talked about us being a family, but there hadn’t been time to get into any details of what the future held. Hell, I didn’t even know if he was okay with me telling Eli that he and I were together. What would happen once the threat to me was gone? Hell, what would happen tonight? Was he even going to stay here at the house? There was plenty of protection now – I’d seen the men walking the perimeter myself. There was no reason for Jace to stay.
I admonished myself for the bout of insecurity that went through me. Jace had said he wasn’t leaving. I had to believe he wasn’t only staying because he wanted to make sure I was safe.
“Hey,” Eli said gently as he touched my hand. I looked up at him and saw him pointedly look at my arm.
The arm I was currently digging my nails into.
God, what the hell was wrong with me?
“Why won’t it stop?” I whispered.
“What?” Eli asked softly.
“This voice in my head that’s telling me that none of it is real. That Jace is going to leave me when he realizes I’m not worth it. That you’re going to hate me when you realize some of the shit that’s going through my head about you, about Dad.” I looked at my arm. “Why is this the only thing that makes sense to me?”
Eli got up and quickly put Willa in the crib, then came around to my side of the bed and forced me to shift so I was sitting on the edge of the bed. He did the same and faced me so he could take my hands. “That stuff in your head, Caleb… it’s your mind’s way of trying to protect yourself from more pain. If you believe Jace will leave you, it might hurt less when he actually does. If you prepare yourself for me to hate you, then it won’t matter as much if that’s what happens. That’s the shit that’s not real,” he said.
“It’s been two years and I’m still figuring out how to ignore that voice in my head that says I deserved what Jack did to me. I watched the video. I saw him rape me. But I couldn’t stop making excuses that it was somehow my fault. It’s Jack’s lies that speak the loudest. It’s the lies of the men who used me when I was a kid that try their damndest to still be heard. I wish I could tell you it will all just stop when Jack goes to jail or you and Jace embark on the next chapter of your lives or” – he looked pointedly at Willa – “you become a parent yourself.” He shook his head. “But I’m not going to add to the lies. It’s work, Caleb. It’s such fucking hard work. But that voice will get quieter and, God willing, when it goes silent for the final time, you won’t even realize it at first.”
I nodded and then he was easing me into his arms. “You hear that voice, you come ask me if I’m going to turn my back on you. You go find Jace and you look at the truth in his eyes when he tells you he’s exactly where he wants to be. You pick up that little girl and then ask yourself if she’d really be better off without you. I’ll bet you all the fucking Sno Balls in the world that you won’t ever hear the answer that voice in your head is trying to convince you that you will.”
I sighed and leaned into him, then wrapped my arms around him. He held me for a long time. When I pulled back, I wiped at my face for what had to be the hundredth time. “Eli,” I said as I held his gaze, “I need to go ask Jace a question.”