Telling them to stop and knowing they wouldn’t.
I leaned down and pressed a kiss to his head.
“I don’t know the specifics of what happened to him,” I said softly as I stared at my lover’s copper hair. “He wouldn’t speak of it to anyone and the members of his specific sect weren’t found. He was placed in foster care until he was eighteen.”
“How… how old was he when…?”
“He was fourteen when the cops found him. The girl was twelve.” I paused before saying, “When I met him, he was living two lives. He was the happy-go-lucky guy who could make anyone smile or laugh. But he hid the side of himself that was still linked to his past. Whenever he felt like he was slipping back into that world, he’d go to the kinds of places where he could find a guy who’d drive the pain inside away by inflicting pain on the outside. He didn’t care what they did to him or even how many guys there were at once, as long as they hurt him enough so he didn’t have to feel.”
I carded my fingers through Sage’s hair. “All his hate and rage and anger needed an outlet. But it was the lack of power that was killing him. He gave himself to people who would hurt him, but it was never about the pain. That wasn’t what he was really looking for.”
“He wanted to not feel helpless,” Daisy said softly. Her eyes were on Sage.
I nodded. “Letting people use him felt like his choice, but it wasn’t.” I looked up at her. “He chooses to let me take away his pain for a while. He chooses to trust me to do it in a way that quiets the noise in his head, but doesn’t leave another scar on his soul. He chooses to give me all the power because he knows I will never truly take it from him. What you saw tonight was an extreme version of it, but you also saw what happens when he doesn’t get what he needs.”
Her eyes fell to the stitches on his arm.
“It’s because I’m here, isn’t it?” she asked as her eyes met mine. “He’s been quiet since we left Columbus… he doesn’t talk to me or look at me or…”
Her words dropped off.
I was reluctant to tell Daisy how deep Sage’s feelings for her ran, since that was something that he needed to tell her himself, so I settled for saying, “What we have doesn’t make sense to the outside world, Daisy. He and I both know that. We’ve never been in a position where we had to hide it. It was something we should have talked to you about before you made the decision to stay with us.”
She was silent for a moment before saying, “Maybe he needs to talk to someone… a professional.”
I knew the comment wasn’t meant to be judgmental… it was the logical response. But I couldn’t deny it hurt just a little. Mostly because she was voicing something I knew to be true.
“He has. We both have. Not about the dynamics of our relationship, but we’ve both been in therapy.” I glanced at Sage. “He was forced into it when he was a kid.”
“And you?” she asked.
I sighed.
In for a penny, in for a pound, I supposed.
“Mine was court ordered… after I nearly beat one of my mother’s boyfriends to death.”
Chapter 8
Daisy
It was information overload and it was almost too much. Part of me just wanted to flee to my room and make the phone call to Ronan I’d tried to make several times tonight.
But every time my finger had hovered over his name on my contact list, something had held me back.
No, not something.
One moment in particular…
It’d been after Sage had finished cutting all of the vegetables for the salad like Cash had wanted.
Exactly like he’d wanted.
I’d wanted to scream at Cash to leave Sage alone, that what he was doing was degrading and humiliating.
But then I’d seen Cash put his hand on Sage’s neck and hold it there as he told Sage he was his good boy. The relief in Sage’s eyes on its own would have been enough to silence me, but it was the other emotion I’d seen that had made me realize I was seeing something I didn’t truly understand.
Love.
Love as bright as the sun.
All the emptiness in Sage’s eyes, all the bleakness that had called to me like a beacon after he’d cut himself with the knife had been replaced by the love he felt for Cash.
And Cash hadn’t been unaffected either. The way he’d held onto Sage had been proof that what he’d done hadn’t been out of malice or to punish.
I’d seen the fine tremor in Cash’s fingers as he’d stitched Sage up. I’d heard the fear in his voice, even as he’d ordered Sage to his knees.