He shook his head. “Yeah, no, I know,” he murmured.
Frustration tore through me because even though he was agreeing with me, I knew he really wasn’t. I’d hurt him.
“Everett, please look at me.”
He did, which I was supremely grateful for.
“It took me a long time to realize that not everyone was lucky enough to end up with friends and parents like mine. Even in the military, my sexuality wasn’t something that had this huge impact on my life. Most of the guys on my team knew I was gay and even though Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was still in effect for most of my career in the Navy, none of them ever reported me.”
I began absently toying with his fingers in the hopes I could somehow soothe the hurt I’d caused.
Everett was quiet for a long time, but he let me play with his fingers, so I was hoping that was a good sign that he wasn’t going to leave.
“Something else I realized,” I began, even as I debated how wise it was to give so much of myself to this man so soon.
He looked up at me at soon as I started speaking and that little spark of hope in his eyes was enough to keep me talking.
“Those guys who hadn’t been willing to come out of the closet? If I’d truly loved them, the decision to walk away from them would have been a hell of a lot harder. Impossible, even.”
My comment seemed to mollify Everett somewhat, but he was still more withdrawn than I would have liked.
“So what happened with Grace?” he finally asked.
“We talked about it a lot and for a long time and went back and forth on whether it was responsible to bring a child into a world when its parents would never be married or together in a meaningful way. But we realized that we’d be able to give our kid everything it needed and then some. Grace wasn’t asking me just to be a sperm donor and that wasn’t what I wanted, either. My father and I had just lost my mother, so I’d already been in the process of leaving the military so I could move back home to help him get through it. Grace moved back to the area and we began researching our options. She got pregnant after the first artificial insemination attempt. We made the decision that we needed to raise our child together and she readily agreed to move in with me and my dad. I built the house you’re staying in just for Grace so that she’d still have her own space. Everything was going as planned, until…”
I hadn’t expected to get choked up in the process of remembering my child’s mother, but that was exactly what happened. This time, it was Everett’s turn to play with our fingers, which were resting on the couch between us. But he didn’t rush me to continue, so I took my time getting myself under control.
“She started bleeding after the baby was delivered and they couldn’t stop it. The doctors had decided to do a C-section because Grace was at a higher risk for problems because of her age. But there was nothing that had them concerned – it was all just a precaution. Grace was awake through it all and we were talking and laughing nervously as she made me tell her what was happening during the procedure. Then we heard our child cry for the first time and we both started bawling. The doctor handed me our daughter and I took her up by Grace’s head so she could see and touch her. She cried and said how beautiful our little Charlie was and then her eyes just slipped closed and that was it.”
I shook my head. “All hell broke loose and all I could do was stand there holding onto this perfect little girl who’d changed my entire life in just a few seconds’ time. I’d never felt more helpless in my life.”
“I’m sorry, Gage,” Everett said softly.
“I’m figuring it out,” I murmured.
“Yes, you are. Charlie’s an amazing kid.”
I couldn’t help but bask in the pride that Everett’s declaration made me feel. Truth was, I’d been scared shitless to be a single father. Moving in with my own father had made a huge difference, but it had taken a while for us to fall into the comfortable routine we now had, since my dad had still been reeling from the loss of my mother at the time of Charlie’s birth.
Everett had gone quiet and he’d dropped his eyes to where his fingers were buried in Fat Cat’s fur. I knew he was thinking about his own relationship with Reese and while I wanted to ask him about it, I doubted he was ready to talk about it.