I opened my mouth to ask him about his son, but snapped it shut just as fast. It wasn’t any of my business, and more importantly, I didn’t want to know. I didn’t give a fuck why he was carrying his kid’s keychain around.
“… don’t want it to get in your eyes.”
Luca’s words dragged me back to the present. He was still kneeling next to me, his hand extended. He was holding a hand towel.
“What?” I asked dumbly. He spoke again, but my mind was too muddled to really listen. And when he reached for me with the towel, strangely enough, I didn’t move.
Probably because my eyes were still fixated on his mouth and the facial hair that surrounded it. What would it feel like against my skin? It would itch, right? I’d been kissed a couple of times by tricks who wanted to fantasize I was their boyfriend and not just some cheap fuck, but the kisses had been anything but memorable.
It wasn’t until the hand towel was softly swiped over my forehead that I crashed back to earth. I jerked backward, but there wasn’t any place for me to go. My back hit the wall behind me. Thankfully, Luca didn’t move any closer. He held out his hands slightly and said, “You have some soap on your face, Remy. I just don’t want it to get in your eyes.”
I opened my mouth to tell him that the soap I’d added to the bathwater was actually just a little bit of tearless shampoo, but I found myself unable to speak any actual words. Luca carefully placed the towel in my hand and then motioned to his own face. “Here and here,” he said. My arms felt heavy as I swiped at those spots on my face.
“Good,” he murmured. Did he actually look a little relieved?
Awkward silence filled the air between us. Violet, fortunately, was oblivious to what was happening and was happily playing with the items Luca had given her. Luca shifted back on the balls of his feet. His eyes lingered on me for a moment, then Violet. Then he rose. His shirt was soaking wet from Violet’s earlier splashing around. The material hugged his broad chest and I could see the outline of his nipples.
“Do you need anything before I go?” he asked.
I steeled myself against the stupid disappointment I felt. I shook my head and glanced at Violet. I was clueless and scared shitless about how to deal with whatever came next with the helpless little girl, but I kept that fact to myself. Luca was the absolute wrong person to make that admission to. I could ask Aleks to help me and I knew he would, but he’d just started a relationship that deserved all of his attention. Ronan would likely help me, but the idea of being indebted to the mysterious surgeon scared me.
It wasn’t until I heard my name on the softest of whispers that I realized I wasn’t alone. I closed my eyes because I didn’t want to see him anymore. I didn’t want to know that he’d seen even a moment of weakness in me.
Warm, gentle fingers brushed my chin, then tilted my face up.
“Remy.”
The pity I heard was like a knife to the gut.
“I’m not leaving,” Luca murmured.
Tears stung the backs of my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. It was bad enough that he’d so easily read my emotions. But I’d be damned if I’d react in any kind of way to confirm his suspicions.
The tears didn’t come, but neither would any of the biting responses that I knew I should say.
I kept my eyes squeezed shut even as I felt his fingers move and graze the length of my cheek. My traitorous body responded to the contact with a violent shiver. I chose to pretend I was craving a fix and nothing more.
I refused to admit to myself that maybe it wasn’t a hit of heroin that my body was demanding at the moment.
He didn’t say anything else. He was there one moment and gone the next. I heard the door close and fading footsteps, but I still refused to open my eyes for a good minute afterward. When I forced my lids open, I saw that Violet was still happily playing in the water.
I moved back to the edge of the tub and tested the water. “Only a few more minutes, okay, Violet?” I murmured. Violet’s response was to hand me the cup. “You want me to do it?” I asked. She nodded emphatically. Despite all the developmental challenges ahead for the little girl, I still thought she was the most perfect thing I’d ever known in my entire life. I’d fallen in love with the baby from the moment I’d met her, and I’d envied Jackie in so many ways. I’d been foolish enough back then to think that being responsible for an innocent life would be enough to make the lure of drugs fall by the wayside forever, but Jackie had been proof that that wasn’t the case. It had been another taste of reality I’d wanted to deny, just like the fact that I was attracted to men instead of women.