God, I really was a goner at this point.
I had no doubt I was in love with Maddox. I wasn’t sure exactly when it had happened, but I was tired of trying to pass it off as some other emotion. Even though our time together was winding down at a frighteningly fast rate, I wouldn’t cheapen what I felt for him or pretend it would go away as soon as Newt and I left Pelican Bay.
I hadn’t told Newt we were leaving after Christmas, both because I hadn’t wanted a repeat of that terrible night when he’d fought me, and because I wasn’t ready to admit it myself. It was the day before Christmas Eve, so we had a couple of days left at the most. I wanted Newt to have every ounce of fun he could before I had to tell him it was time for us to go. This time when I told him, I’d go about it a different way rather than panicking and just packing up our stuff like I’d done after Nolan and Dallas had asked me if it was okay for them to buy Newt some Christmas presents. There was no doubt in my mind that Newt would be devastated, but I’d taken on the role of parent a long time ago and that meant doing what was best for Newt, even if he hated me for it.
Pain lanced through me as I remembered the way he’d walked around me after Maddox had told him to wait in the house with Dallas and Nolan. Newt had looked at me like I was no better than Gary. In my mind I knew he didn’t really see me that way, but it’d hurt just the same. I’d ended up staying at Dallas and Nolan’s house that night because Newt had still been terrified that I was mad at him by the time his bedtime had come around. I’d slept in the bed with him with Loki on one side of him and me on the other, but when I’d woken up in the middle of the night, I’d been stunned to find Maddox asleep in the big armchair in the room. Snotrod had been curled up in the crook of his arm. It was the first time he and I had spent the night together, and while it hadn’t exactly been the way I’d pictured it, waking up the next morning to his kisses had been heaven. Newt had already gone down to help make breakfast, so it had just been me and Maddox. He’d been lying in the bed with me, his big body curled around mine. He hadn’t spoken other than to wish me a good morning, but it had just been so very perfect.
The only way it could have been better was if I knew we’d wake up like that every morning for the rest of our lives.
It was scary to know that someone else now knew my secret, but I also knew Maddox would take it to the grave with him. He hadn’t pressed me in the past two weeks to try to find some alternative solution to Newt and me leaving, but I suspected that was because he was planning to come with us. He hadn’t said as much, but I hadn’t missed how he’d only promised not to stop me when I left.
I didn’t know what to do with that.
On the one hand, the answer was obvious–Newt and I would need to leave after Maddox had left to go home for the evening so he couldn’t stop us.
But on the other hand, a little part of me wanted to let him make that kind of sacrifice for me, even if it was wrong.
I was just so very tired of fighting this thing by myself.
And the idea of being away from Maddox for even more than a few hours…
I shook my head as I stared out my windshield.
I needed to stop thinking about it. It already consumed all my thoughts when I was by myself. I could barely sleep as it was. Food was something I had to force into my system and more often than not, I was looking over my shoulder.
Not for Gary.
But for Maddox.
Because I just couldn’t bear to be away from him.
Yeah, I was so far gone it wasn’t even the least bit funny.
I climbed out of the car and hurried up the walkway to the front door. Maddox didn’t say anything as he held out his hand to me. As soon as he had me in the hallway, he shut the door and then he was pushing me against it, his mouth devouring mine. I shrugged my jacket off and went for the button on his jeans, but he was lifting me before I could even protest.