“What?” I asked, completely stunned.
“Perfect,” Ford breathed. His eyes were on the ground again, so this time I was the one stepping up to him and lifting his face so he’d have to look me in the eye.
“Then why did you leave like that? You pulled away from me… wouldn’t let me touch you. You were sick in the damn parking lot.”
I couldn’t keep the frustration from my voice. Why the fuck was he toying with me like this?
And why was I letting him?
Why was I so goddamn hopeful that I’d somehow gotten his signals wrong that night? They’d been some seriously clear signals.
“I hurt you,” Ford said, his voice filled with shame. “I treated you like… like…”
Holy fuck, was he saying…?
“I held you down. I didn’t…I didn’t go slow.”
Ford was stammering as he spoke and I could see his body start to shake. Tears began slipping down his cheeks.
“I knew I was hurting you but I couldn’t stop. I’m so sorry, Cam. I just wanted to be with you but I—”
I covered his mouth with mine to silence him. I kissed him only long enough for him to melt in my grip and start kissing me back. I could taste the salt of his tears on my lips.
“You listen to me, Ford,” I practically growled. “You. Did. Not. Hurt. Me.” I kissed him again because he’d opened his mouth to respond. “My turn to talk, your turn to listen,” I said against his mouth. “Got it?” I brushed his mouth chastely.
He nodded, then sought out my mouth again.
God, I could drown in this man’s touch. But first things first. I forced myself to pull my mouth free of his.
“I loved everything you did to me that night. Yes, it was fast and it was rough but that just made it even more fucking perfect. I’ve never had anyone who’s wanted me like that, Ford. Someone who… needed me like that.”
“I did, but I shouldn’t have—”
I kissed him again and felt him smile against my mouth. “Okay, you win. But kissing me isn’t exactly punishment, Cam.”
I chuckled. “Noted. I guess I’ll have to get more creative in the future.”
His eyes met mine and I could see that he’d picked up on my last word. It was a stark reminder that we didn’t have a future. It should have been enough to have me stepping back from this whole thing, but I was already in too deep. I wasn’t going to pretend I wasn’t.
“The only part about that night that hurt was you walking away. I thought you regretted what happened.”
“I didn’t,” he cut in. He covered my mouth with his hand before I could remind him he wasn’t supposed to interrupt. “I know, I’m sorry, it’s your turn, but I just need you to know that even though what we did was wrong, I don’t regret it. I’m tired of…” His words dropped off when I took a step back from him. When he said, “What? What is it? Do you hear someone coming?” I felt my stomach drop out.
“No, Ford,” I said slowly. “I don’t hear anyone coming.”
All the hope I’d had at getting a chance to know this man better disintegrated.
“Did I say something?” he asked. He was honestly confused.
“I’m out, Ford,” I said. When he shook his head like he didn’t get what I was saying, I added, “I don’t advertise that I’m gay, but that’s only because I believe a person’s sexuality isn’t anyone’s business. I don’t believe that being with other men is wrong and I don’t believe it’s a choice or something I can ‘fix.’ I’m gay, Ford,” I repeated. “Not broken. Not weak. Not confused. I may need God’s forgiveness for a lot of things, but not this. I chose to be with you that night. I wanted it because I want you. I want to get to know you and I want to be able to touch you and not have to worry about who’s watching or what someone’s saying. I want to take you to a movie or dinner and be able to hold your hand or touch you across the table. I want to be able to look at you so I can drink in how damn beautiful you are.” I shook my head as I tossed my flashlight into my workbag. “I can deal with others thinking or saying who I am and what I want is wrong, but I’m not going to be with someone who believes the same thing. Not again.”
Ford opened and closed his mouth several times like he wanted to say something, but no sound came out. He closed his arms around himself and began rubbing his arms as he looked around the basement. The water had been pumped out but there was still a lot of dirt and debris that needed to be cleaned up. The power was also still out so the house was really cold, but fortunately the extreme cold snap we’d been having had broken.