Comfort & Joy

That hurts. “Well . . . you’re fat. ” I spin on my left crutch and step-swing into my guest room.

Although I can’t hear footsteps on the carpet, I know she’s following me. I go to the wall and tear down a picture of Mount Olympus.

“You’re getting rid of it all?”

“Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Joy . . . ”

Something in her voice gets to me. I turn around finally, face her. “I’m losing it. ”

Stacey sits down on my bed, and then pats a place beside her.

I hop to the bed and sit down.

“What’s going on?” she asks.

“I can’t sleep. Nightmares. ”

“Of the crash?”

I nod. “My shrink said I brought it on by going to the airport. Like I needed to hear it was my fault. ”

“And what about Daniel and the boy?”

I can hear the question in her voice, the wondering if she should mention the obvious. Actually, I appreciate it. There will come a time—soon, I think—when I won’t want to hear their names anymore. “I haven’t dreamt about them since you took me to the high school. And when I think about them, it’s . . . blurry. ”

“What does that mean, you think? Are you getting well?”

I look down at my hands. I’ve thought a lot about this. A woman who can’t sleep has plenty of time to contemplate. “I think . . . ” I can’t say it out loud.

Stacey puts her hand on mine.

Her touch steadies me. I look up. Tears burn my eyes, turn her face into a Monet painting. I’m glad. I don’t want this moment to be in focus. “When I first woke up, I was sure it was all real. Daniel. Bobby. The Comfort Lodge. The rainforest. Then I heard the facts, and I knew it wasn’t real, but still I believed. I didn’t know how to stop. I wanted it all so much. I felt so alive there, so needed and wanted, and here . . . ” I shrug. “I kept thinking: If only I could find my way back to them. ”

“And now?”

I take a deep breath, release it slowly. “I’ve Googled it all, and called information, and read about every town near or in the Olympic rainforest. My town doesn’t exist, neither does the lodge. Therefore, it makes sense that Daniel and Bobby are imaginary, too. It was all my weird way of dealing with the pain and horror of the crash. ”

“That sounds like your shrink talking. ”

“At two hundred bucks an hour, I listen to her. ” I smile, but the joke falls flat.

“You’re givi

ng me logic. I want emotion. ”

“I can’t handle emotion anymore. It’s killing me. I’m too old to believe in magic and fate and destiny. ”

“So it was the drugs, in other words, and your own subconscious. ”

I frown. That’s not quite right. It’s important to me that I get all of this absolutely right. Otherwise I’ll never be able to get past it. “I think Daniel and Bobby were . . . metaphors. ”

“I flunked out of tech school, remember? What do you mean?”

“I think they represent the love that could be out there for me—if I’m bold enough to change my life. ” I take a deep breath and say: “The truth is, Stace, I’m tired of being alone. I want love, passion, and children. All of it. ”

Stacey is quiet for a long time, and then says, “I can understand that. ”