“You think they’re wrong?”
He was close, so close she could have touched him with only the slightest eff ort. She longed suddenly to do it, but she held back. “Are they?”
“When you come home, we’ll talk. ”
“What if—” slipped out of her mouth before she realized even that she was going to speak.
“What if what?”
“What if I still don’t know what to say?” she finally said.
“After twenty years?”
“It went by fast. ”
“It’s one question, Mere. Are you in love with me?”
One question.
How could the whole of an adult life funnel down to that?
As the silence expanded, he reached for a framed picture on his desk.
“This is for you,” he said.
She looked down at it, feeling the start of tears. It was their wedding picture. He’d kept it on his desk all these years. “You don’t want it on your desk anymore?”
“That’s not why I’m giving it to you. ”
He touched her cheek with a gentleness that somehow communicated more than twenty years of being together, of knowing each other, of passion and love and the disappointments that came with both, and she knew he’d given her the picture so that she’d remember them.
She looked up at him. “I never told you I wanted to go to Alaska. I think there were a lot of things I didn’t say. ” She could tell by the way he was looking at her that he understood, and all at once she was reminded of how well he knew her. He’d been at her side through graduation and childbirth and her father’s death. He’d been the primary witness to most of her life. When had she stopped talking to him about her dreams? And why?
“I wish you had told me. ”
“Yeah. Me, too. ”
“Words matter, I guess,” he said finally. “Maybe your dad knew that all along. ”
Meredith nodded. How was it that her whole life could be distilled down to that simple truth? Words mattered. Her life had been defined by things said and unsaid, and now her marriage was being undermined by silence. “She’s not who we thought she was, Jeff. My mom, I mean. Sometimes, when she’s telling us the story, it’s like . . . I don’t know. She melts into this other woman. I’m almost afraid of finding out the truth, but I can’t stop. I need to know who she is. Maybe then I’ll know who I am. ”
He nodded and came closer. Leaning down, he kissed her cheek. “Safe travels, Mere. I hope you find what you’re looking for. ”
Eighteen
It was one of those rare crystal-blue days in downtown Seattle when Mount Rainier dominated the city skyline. The waterfront was empty this early in the season; soon, though, the souvenir shops and seafood restaurants along this street would be wall-to-wall tourists. But now the city belonged to locals.
Meredith stared up at the giant cruise ship docked at Pier 66. Dozens of passengers milled around the terminal and lined up for departure.
“You guys ready?” Nina asked, flinging her backpack over one shoulder.
“I don’t know how you can travel so light,” Meredith said, lugging her suitcase behind her as they made their way to the bellmen waiting by the exit doors. They handed off their luggage and headed for the gangplank. As they reached it, Mom stopped suddenly.
Meredith almost ran into her. “Mom? Are you okay?”
Mom tightened the black, high-collared wool coat around her and stared up at the ship.
“Mom?” Meredith said again.