"Lets sit on the dock," he said, taking the glass from her. "I dont want to wake her up. "
Tully got her coat and followed him outside. They sat side by side on the dock, as if they were kids, hanging their legs out over the black waters of Lake Union.
It was still and peaceful out here. A full moon hung in the sky, illuminating the rooflines and reflecting in various windows. The distant hum of cars on the bridge was syncopated by the water slapping against the pilings.
"How are you doing, really?" Tully asked.
"Its Katie Im worried about. "
"I know," she answered, "but I asked about you. "
"Ive been better. " He sipped his drink.
Tully leaned against him. "Youre lucky," she said. "She loves you, and when a Mularkey falls in love, its for life. " The minute she said the words, she felt that strange sense of unraveling again. Of loneliness that was somehow just out of view, but moving toward her. For the first time, she wondered what her life could have been like if shed been like Kate and chosen love. Would she then know how it felt to truly belong somewhere, with someone? She stared out across the water.
"What is it, Tully?"
"I guess Im jealous of Kate and you. "
"You dont want this life. "
"What life do I want?"
He put an arm around her. "Thats one thing youve always known. You want the networks. "
"Does that make me shallow?"
He laughed. "Im hardly the one to ask. Ill tell you what: Ill start making some calls. Sooner or later well find you a network job. "
"Youd do that?"
"Of course. But youll have to be patient. These things take time. "
She twisted around and hugged him, whispering, "Thanks, Johnny. " He knew her so well. Somehow hed already known what shed only just discovered: it was time for her to move on.
As tired as Kate was, she couldnt fall asleep. She lay in bed, staring up at the peaked ceiling, and waited for her husband.
It was in the very core of their relationship, this anxiety of hers. When things went bad, she remembered that shed been his second choice, and no matter how often she told herself it wasnt true, there was a slim, shadowy version of herself that believed it, worried about it.
It was a destructive neurosis. Like water rising in the Pilchuck River, it eroded everything around it, sent big chunks of earth tumbling away.
Downstairs she heard a sound.
He was home.
"Thank God. "
She eased painfully out of bed and went downstairs.
The lights were off. The fire was almost dead; only a faint orange glow remained. At first she thought shed been wrong, that he wasnt home; then she noticed the shadows on the deck. Two people, sitting side by side, their shoulders touching. Moonlight revealed their shapes, turned them silver against the blackness of the water. She crossed the house quietly, opened the door, and stepped out into the night. A slight breeze ruffled her hair and nightgown.
Tully twisted around, hugged Johnny, whispered something in his ear. His response was muted by the sound of the water slapping the dock. He might have laughed; Kate couldnt be sure.
"You two having a party without me?" She heard the break in her voice and drew in a sharp breath to cover it. In her heart she knew that Johnny hadnt been turning to kiss Tully, but that shadow self of hers wasnt so sure. The ugly, toxic thought was smaller than a drop of blood, yet it poisoned the entire stream.
Johnny was at her side in an instant. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her. When he drew back, she looked around for Tully, but they were alone on the deck.
For the first time in her life, she wished she loved him less. It was dangerous to feel this way; she was like a naked infant exposed to the elements. Fragile and infinitely afraid. He could ruin her someday. Of that she had no doubt.