What you always want: more.
It shouldnt have surprised her. God knew shed heard the same thing often enough in her life. She could even admit the truth of it. She did want more lately. She wanted a real life, not this perfect, glittery cotton candy one shed created for herself.
But she had no real idea how to go about starting over at her age. She loved her job too much to give it up; besides, shed been famous and rich for so long that she couldnt imagine being ordinary again.
Now, beneath a surprisingly warm sun, she walked down the busy streets of Manhattan, watching the fast-moving locals dodging between brightly dressed tourists. Today was the first sunny day after a long snowy winter, and nothing changed the mood of New York like the sun. People poured out of their boxy apartments, put on their walking shoes, and went outside. To her right, Central Park was a green oasis. For a moment, when she looked at it, she saw her own past: the Quad at UW; kids running around, throwing Frisbees, playing hacky sack. It had been twenty years since shed left the campus for the last time. So much life had happened in those years, but right now it all felt as close as her own shadow.
Smiling, she shook her head to clear it. Shed have to call Katie tonight and tell her about this senior moment.
She was just about to start walking again when she saw him.
Down a low green hillside, standing on the paved path, watching two teenage girls roller-skate around him.
"Chad. "
It was the first time shed said his name aloud in years and it tasted as sweet as almond liquor. Just the sight of him peeled back the carapace of years and made her feel young again.
She walked down to the start of the path and turned toward him. A huge tree spread out above her like an umbrella, blocking out the sunlight, making her instantly cold.
What would she say to him after all these years? What would he say to her? The last time theyd been together hed asked her to marry him; theyd never seen each other again. Hed known her so well then, enough that he hadnt stuck around to be told no. But theyd loved each other. With the wisdom of time and the passing of years, she knew that. She knew, too, that love didnt evaporate. It faded, perhaps, lost its weight like bones left out in the sun, but it didnt go away.
It occurred to her suddenly, sharply, that she wanted to be in love. Like Johnny and Kate. She wanted not to feel so damned alone in the world.
She faltered only once as she walked toward him. Out of the shadows and into the sunlight.
And there he was, standing in front of her, the man shed never quite been able to evict from her dreams. She said his name aloud, too quietly for him to hear.
He looked up and saw her, his smile fading slowly. "Tully?"
She saw his mouth move and felt him say her name, but just then a dog barked and a pair of skateboarders rumbled past her.
And then he was moving toward her. It was like every movie shed ever seen, every dream shed ever had. He pulled her into his arms and held her.
Too soon, though, he let go of her and stepped back. "I knew Id see you again. "
"You always had more faith than I did. "
"Almost everyone does," he said, smiling. "So how are you?"
"Im on CBS. I do—"
"Believe me," he said gently, "I know. Im proud of you, Tully. I always knew youd get to the top. " He studied her for a long time, then said, "Hows Katie?"
"She married Johnny. I hardly see them lately. "
"Ah," he said, nodding as if a question had been answered.
She felt exposed by his glance. "Ah, what?"
"Youre lonely. The world isnt enough after all. "
She frowned up at him. They were standing so close that the merest move would be a kiss, but she couldnt imagine crossing that small distance. He looked younger than she remembered, more handsome. "How do you do that?" she whispered.
"Do what?"
"Dad, watch this!"
As if from far away, Tully heard the girls voice. She turned slowly around, saw two young women roller-skating toward them. Shed been wrong before; they were older than teenagers. One was the spitting image of Chad—sharp features, black hair, eyes that crinkled when she smiled.