He scooped her into his arms, said goodnight to everyone, and carried her to their new room. She hung on tightly, her face buried in the crook of his neck, and smelled the last hint of aftershave hed put on this morning. It was the cheap stuff the kids gave him every Christmas.
In the bathroom, he helped her to the toilet and let himself be her crutch as she brushed her teeth and washed her face. By the time she was dressed for bed, she was exhausted. She hobbled slowly across the room, clutching Johnnys arm. Halfway there, he swept her up again and carried her to bed, tucking her in. "I dont know how I can sleep without you in bed with me," she said.
"Im right there. Ten feet away. If you need me in the night, just yell. "
She touched his face. "I always need you. You know that. "
His face crumpled at that; she saw the toll her cancer had taken on him. He looked old. "And I need you. " He leaned down and kissed her forehead.
That scared her more than it should have; the forehead kiss was for old people and strangers. She grabbed his hand, said desperately, "I wont break. "
Slowly, still looking at her, he kissed her lips, and for a glorious moment, time and tomorrow fell away. It was just them; when he drew back, she felt colder.
If only there was something they could say; words that would ease them over this bumpy road.
"Goodnight, Katie," he said at last, and turned away from her.
"Night," she whispered back, watching him go to his own bed.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
For the next week Kate soaked in the early summer sun; her days were spent huddled under her treasured afghans in a chair by the beach, writing furiously in her journal, or talking with her kids or her husband or Tully. Evenings were taken up by conversation; Lucas and William told the longest, most run-on stories in the world. By the end of them, everyone was laughing. Afterward, the adults sat around the fire. More and more often they talked about the old days, back when theyd been too young to know that they were young, when the whole world had seemed open to them and dreams were as easy to pick as daisies. The funniest part of all was watching Tully try to take over the household duties. She burned dinners, bitched about an island world where no one delivered food to your home, ruined laundry, and repeatedly received instructions about how to operate the vacuum. Kate especially loved it when she heard her friend mutter, "This at-home shit is hard. Why didnt you ever tell me? No wonder you looked tired for fifteen years. "
In any other circumstances it would have been the time of Kates life. For once she was the center of attention.
But no matter how hard they all tried to be normal, their life was a dirty window that couldnt be wiped clean. Everything, every moment, was coated by illness. As always, it fell to Kate to lead the way, to be the smiling, optimistic one. They were all okay as long as she remained strong and resilient. Then they could talk and laugh and carry on the pretense of ordinary life.
It was exhausting, all this propping up of their feelings, but what choice did she have? Sometimes when the burden was too great she upped her pain meds and curled up with Johnny on the couch and simply fell asleep. When she woke up, invariably she was ready to smile again.
Sunday mornings were especially overwhelming. Today, everyone was here—Mom, Dad, Sean and his girlfriend, Tully, Johnny, Marah and the twins. They took turns telling stories so that there was rarely a lull in the conversation.
Kate listened and nodded and smiled and pretended to eat, even though she was nauseous and in pain.
It was Tully who noticed. In the process of passing the quiche Mom had made, she looked up at Kate, said, "You look like shit. "
They all agreed.
Kate tried to make a joke, but her mouth was too dry to form words.
Johnny swept her out of her chair and carried her to her room.
When she was back in bed, medicated again, she stared up at her husband.
"How is she?" Tully said, coming into the room, standing beside Johnny.
Kate saw them there, together, shoulder to shoulder, and loved them so much it hurt. As always there was a pinch of jealousy, too, but that was as familiar to her as the beat of her heart.
"I was hoping to feel good enough to go shopping with you," Kate said. "I wanted to help Marah pick out her prom dress. Youll have to do it, Tully. " She tried to smile. "Nothing too revealing, okay? And watch out for the shoes. Marah thinks she can wear high heels, but I worry . . . " Kate frowned. "Are you two listening to me?"
Johnny smiled at Tully. "Did you say something?"
Tully put a hand to her chest in a Scarlett OHara protestation of innocence. "Me? You know how rarely I talk. People often say Im too quiet. "
Kate maneuvered her bed up to a sit. "Whats with the comedy act? Im trying to tell you something important. "
The doorbell rang. "Who could that be?" Tully said. "Ill go check. "
Marah poked her head in the room. "Theyre here. Is she ready?"