“Mia says she’ll die if we don’t go to USC together. Don’t get me wrong, I want to go to school with her, too, and I want to be a doctor like the old man, but…” He looked out over the casino and sighed.
“But what?”
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He turned to her, caught her looking at him. “What if I can’t cut it?” he said so quietly she barely heard his voice above the distant drone of highway noise.
She had known Zach for more than three years now, adoring him from a distance; she’d studied him like an archaeologist, culling through his words for hidden meaning. And never had he said anything like this to her. He sounded vulnerable and confused.
The night seemed to fall quiet; the buzz of the cars faded. All Lexi could hear was the beating of her heart and the even strains of their breathing. She was reminded of all the times she’d waited for her mother’s return, only to be disappointed, discarded. If there was one emotion she understood profoundly, it was uncertainty. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined that Zach could feel the same way. It made her feel connected to him, in tune. For one split second, he wasn’t Mia’s brother; he was the boy she’d seen on that first day of school, the one who’d made her heart speed up. “I didn’t think you were ever afraid. ”
“Oh, I’m afraid of something. ” He leaned the slightest bit toward her. Maybe he was just shifting his seat on the hard dirt; she didn’t know—she just knew how it felt to be afraid, and the way he was looking at her made it hard to breathe. Without really thinking, just feeling, she leaned toward him for a kiss.
She was just about to close her eyes when he jerked back. “What are you doing?”
The magnitude of what she’d almost done knocked the breath from her. He didn’t even like her, and, worse than that, he wasn’t available for her. Jude had made that clear; so had Mia. And Mia was what mattered, not some useless, baseless crush on a boy who fell in love with a different girl every week.
Horrified, she mumbled an apology, got to her feet, and started running through the brambles and bushes for the relative safety of her mobile home.
“Lexi, wait!”
She ran into the mobile home and slammed the door shut behind her. Mia lay at her feet, singing a song from The Little Mermaid.
Lexi stepped over her best friend and peeked out from between the curtains.
Zach stood there a long time, staring at the closed door. Then he finally went back to his car and started it up.
It wasn’t until Lexi had brushed her teeth and put on her pajamas and crawled into bed with Mia that she let herself really think about what she’d almost done.
“You’re an idiot, Lexi Baill,” she said into the quiet.
“No you’re not,” Mia said; then she started to snore.
* * *
The next morning, Lexi stood at her bedroom window, staring out at the falling rain, feeling sick to her stomach. She couldn’t believe that she’d almost kissed Zach last night.
What an idiot.
What should she do now? Tell Mia the truth, throw herself on her best friend’s mercy and apologize for a moment of lunacy? But what if it ruined everything? And Zach would never tell. Or would he? Did he hate Lexi that much?
“I feel like crap. ”
Lexi heard the mattress creak against the wood-slatted bed frame. There was a pinging sound as Mia maneuvered to a sit. Lexi turned slowly around, feeling a fresh wave of shame.
Mia pushed the tangled blond hair out of her eyes, which were a little dazed looking, unfocused. A red scratch marred one pale cheek. Lexi had no idea how Mia had gotten the injury. No doubt Mia didn’t either. “Man,” she said. “I got roasted last night. ”
“You did. ” Lexi went back to the bed and climbed in beside her best friend.
Mia leaned against her. “Thanks for taking care of me. I swear I didn’t drink that much. ” She banged her head back against the wall. “God, I hope my mom doesn’t hear about this. ”
Lexi couldn’t take it; the truth was corroding her from the inside out. She had to be a good friend to Mia. She had to be. “Speaking of last night. I did a really stup—”
Mia sat up suddenly. “Tyler asked me to the homecoming dance. ”
Lexi stopped. “What?” She and Mia usually hung out together on dance nights. Neither one of them had been asked to any of the dances last year. She felt vaguely jealous that this time she’d be sitting out the dance while Mia was having fun.
“You can come with us. Really. It’d be a blast. We could triple date with Amanda and Zach. ”