“Oh. Yeah,” Daddy said, turning to the right page and starting to read. “One of the strange things about living in the world is that it is only now and then one is quite sure one is going to live forever and ever…”
Grace popped her thumb into her mouth and listened to the music of her daddy’s voice.
* * *
“They yell at her, Scot. And she’s always alone. No one bothers to come out and play with her. Her only friend seems to be invisible. ”
“My son’s imaginary friend is a duck. What does that say about him, I wonder?”
“This is serious,” Lexi said. She had spent endless hours wrestling with her own emotions, and no matter how often or how forcefully she told herself that Grace was better off without an ex-con for a mother, she couldn’t trample the new feeling that she’d been wrong to abandon her daughter. It was like opening the door on a tornado—there was no stopping the damage that would be done inside, and no closing the door again.
Abandon. The word ate through Lexi’s best intentions and stripped her bare. In all her attempts to be unlike her own mother, had she done the same thing? And how was it that she’d never asked herself this question before?
“You’re right,” Scot said, pushing back his chair. The metal wheels screeched on the Pergo flooring. “It’s very serious. Why don’t you sit down? You’re moving like an egg beater. ”
She did as he asked and sat down.
“Talk to me, Lexi. ”
She took a deep breath. “Giving Grace up was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. ” Her voice dropped; it was difficult to say the words, even after all her therapy. “The only thing that kept me going was this image of what her life would be like. I saw pink dresses and birthday parties with ponies and bedtime stories and family Christmas dinners. I saw a little girl who grew up knowing she was loved, knowing where she belonged. ”
She looked up. “I trusted them, Scot,” she said, anger surging up. “All of them. Miles. Jude. Zach. I trusted them to give her the childhood I never had. And you know what I found? A lonely little girl whose daddy is too busy to be with her … a girl who gets yelled at for nothing … who plays all alone. A girl with no friends…”
“What do you want to do?”
She got up again and began pacing. “I’m a felon. An ex-con. I’m twenty-four years old with almost no job experience. Gee, I worked in the prison library and an ice cream shop, and I picked raspberries in the summer. I’m broke. What can I do?”
“Did your Aunt Eva have money when she took you in?”
Lexi stopped moving and stared out of the office window. Outside, a young mother was helping her red-haired daughter up to a silver drinking fountain. “She had a job and a place to live. ”
“You have a college degree and you’re a hard worker. On top of that, you’re one of the most honorable people I know. You know more about love—and its lack—than most people. So I’ll ask you again: what do you want to do? It’s a simple question. Either you stay or you go. ”
“And if I choose to stay?”
“We would petition the court to modify the parenting plan. We’d seek joint custody. Or, failing that, visitation rights. ”
“Supervised, I suppose. Me being an ex-con. ”
“You aren’t a violent offender, Lexi,” he said. “You aren’t your mother. But yes, they might impose supervision at the start. I didn’t say it would be easy, but you will get visitation rights at least, and you’ll quite possibly get joint custody. We wouldn’t get full custody, but you’re her mother, Lexi. The court knows how important you are to her. And you’re welcome to stay at my office until you find someplace else. ”
You’re her mother.
For years, even before Gracie was born, Lexi barred that thought from her consciousness. The words were simply too painful to consider, but now, hearing them spoken aloud, she heard their sweetness, and longing swelled inside of her.
She could hold Gracie, hug her and kiss her and take her to the park …
“It won’t be easy,” Scot said into the building silence. “I imagine the Farradays will fight you. ”
It was too late to worry about that now. She’d loosened the idea of motherhood, and it had uprooted her, swept her skyward. “Let’s file the papers,” Lexi said.
“You’re sure?”
She finally turned to face him. “I’m sure. ”
* * *
Jude gave up trying to sleep at about four o’clock. She left the warmth of her bedroom and made her way into the dark living room. There, standing in front of the tall black windows, she stared at her own tarnished reflection.