Once in Every Life

hiccup. Her fingers dug into the soft chambray of his shirt.

She squeezed her eyes shut. Memories twirled through

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her mind. The next time we kiss, Jack Rafferty, you'll be the one to start it....

My Katydid. No one's ever dried her tears, or stroked her hair, or told her she was loved. If you can change anything, Lissa, change that.... I love you, Lissa.

Love you, love you, love you. The words circled through her brain in a kaleidoscope of agony. He was leaving her; after everything they'd done and not done, after all the promises of love, he was leaving her....

"No!" She screamed the word, suddenly angrier than she'd ever been in her life. "No, goddamn it," she yelled, shaking him hard. "I won't let you do this. You promised." The word broke in half. Pain ripped through her. Clinging to him, she bowed her head and cried. The fight whooshed out of her, leaving in its place an aching, pain-filled void. "You promised, Jack," she said between sobs. "You said we'd dance forever...."

Tess had no idea how long they sat there, clutched together, Tess crying quietly, Jack staring straight ahead. Cloud after cloud swept past the nearly full moon, plunging them now and again into the utter blackness, then tingeing the clearing in blue-white light. "Lissa?"

The word was spoken so quietly that at first Tess thought she'd imagined it. Willed it. Tiredly she lifted her head.

"Lissa?"

She clamped a hand over her mouth. Relief spun through her in a dizzying wave.

He blinked down at her.

Tess threw her arms around him and clung to him, crying out with relief and joy. "I'm here, Jack," she crooned, rocking back and forth, "I'm here. You're safe."

He pulled back and looked down at her. There was a

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bleakness in his eyes that shredded Tess's heart and brought more tears to her eyes. "I'll never be safe, Lissa." He closed his eyes. "Never."

"Don't say that. Please. We can work through this together. I know we can."

He shook his head slowly, with infinite sorrow. "I thought . . . with you . . . with things the way they were ... I thought I was getting better." The words were spoken with no emotion whatsoever.

Tess swallowed convulsively. "Don't you do that, Jackson Rafferty. Don't you dare."

He stared through unfocused eyes at the shadowy grass. "Do what?"

"Don't you dare give up." She took him by the shoulders and shook him hard. "I love you." Her voice cracked with emotion, with all the desperation of a woman who'd found love too late and saw it slipping between her fingers. "I won't let you give up. We're a family, goddamn it, and we need you. / need you."

He flinch

ed at every word. "You don't need anyone. You never did."

Hot, aching tears burned her eyes and slid down her cheeks. Once again she felt it all slipping away, slipping through her fingers. She tried to close her hand, tried to fist it tight, but the harder she tried, the faster it fell away. "You're wrong," she whispered desperately. "Before you, I was always alone, always afraid. I've waited for you all my life." "Lissa ..."

Her name was a sigh of defeat. Tess felt the softly spoken word like a fist to the throat. Tears streamed down her face and burrowed onto her tongue. They tasted like all the things she'd reached for in her life and never quite attained, all the missed opportunities and forgotten dreams. "Please, Jack," she said brokenly, "don't shut me out."

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It was a long time before he spoke. When he finally did, his voice was shaky and weak. "I don't want to."

Tess felt a rush of relief so strong, her knees buckled. She wiped the tears from her eyes and stared up at him. "Promise you'll always stay with me." Her voice broke. "Promise me you won't give up."

He looked at her then, and in his eyes she saw how fiercely he loved her. Her throat constricted so tightly, she couldn't talk. Please Jack, just say it. Such a tiny, nothing little word ...

"I can't." The words sounded ragged and ripped from his soul.