He finished his drink and came into the room. Putting the empty glass on the nightstand, he sat down on the bed beside her, but not close enough to touch. With a sigh, he slumped forward. The wavy mass of his hair spilled forward. Seeing him now, his sharp profile, his defeated shoulders, she was reminded of the week in which his father had lain dying. Michael had been unable to stand seeing Theo that way, gray and hollow and in pain, connected to life by machines. He’d tried to sit by the bed, but he could never do it for long. More often than not, Jolene had found him pacing in the hallways, beating himself up for his weakness. She had gone to him then, taken him in her arms and held him until he could breathe again. To her, it had been second nature, caring for him when he was hurting. But now she saw what she had never dared to see before: this love of hers was one-sided. She was the one who took care; he was the one who took.
“Okay, then,” he finally said.
Jolene felt a profound sense of relief. She didn’t realize until right now, when her breath rushed out, how nervous she’d been, sitting beside him, waiting. “So you’ll wait for me,” she said.
“How long until you leave?”
“Two weeks. That’s quicker than usual. Special circumstances. ”
“And you’ll be gone for a year. ”
She nodded. “I’ll get Leave in six months. I’ll be able to come home for two weeks. ”
He sighed again. “We’ll tell the girls tomorrow. And my mom. ”
“Yeah,” Jolene said, but it was barely above a whisper, that word; there was so much more to say, plans to be made, problems to be solved, but neither one of them said anything.
They sat on the bed in which they’d made love so many times, silent, each staring out at nothing, until it was time to turn out the lights.
Seven
The next morning, Michael and Jolene drove to Mila’s house.
He pulled into the driveway and turned off the car’s engine. For the first time all morning, he looked at her. “Are you ready to do this?”
Jolene saw the banked anger in his eyes and it made her feel empty and painfully alone. She didn’t bother to answer. Instead, she reached for the handle and opened the door and got out. As they walked to the front door, she couldn’t help noticing how far apart from her he stood.
Michael knocked on the door. In moments, the sound of footsteps came from inside. Then the door swung open and Mila stood there in a fuzzy pink bathrobe, with her black hair a tangled mess. Behind her, the room was a wash of pale green walls, windows to the water view, and rattan furniture from the fifties positioned on wide-planked pine floors. The overstuffed cushions were in muted tones of celery and rose and white. “Oh, you’re early!” she said, stepping aside to let them in to a living room strewn with toys and books and DVDs.
Lulu jumped up from her place on the cream-colored shag rug. She was wearing the kitten headband.
“Someone has embraced her invisibility,” Mila said quietly, smiling.
Jolene frowned thoughtfully and made a great show of looking around. “Hmmm … Mila, have you seen Lulu? I wonder what happened to my kitten? Has anyone seen my Lucy Louida?”
Lulu giggled.
Michael frowned. “What are you talking about? She’s right—”
Lulu whipped off the headband and grinned. “I’m here, Mommy!”
Jolene rushed forward and took Lulu in her arms. “You sure are. ” Jolene buried her nose in Lulu’s velvety neck, smelling her little girl sweetness, trying to memorize it.
“Mommy,” Lulu whined, kicking to be free. “You’re smovering me. ”
Jolene loosened her hold on Lulu, let her wiggle to the floor.
“Are you hungry?” Mila asked, picking up an empty DVD case, frowning, looking around for the disc.
“Actually, we have something to tell you and the girls,” Michael said tightly.
“Oh?” Mila looked up. “Is something wrong?”
Michael actually stepped aside. “This is Jolene’s show, Ma. She’s the one with the news. ”
Mila frowned. “Jo?”
“Where’s Betsy?” Jolene said, unable to get much volume out of her voice. She could fly helicopters and shoot machine guns and run ten miles with a full pack on her back, but the thought of saying these few words to her children made her feel weak.