True Colors

Vivi Ann knew that feeling. She was the last person to deny someone the right to be in love. Such emotion was too rare to handle it roughly.

Vivi Ann reached out and touched Noah’s hair, moving her fingers through it. “I understand why you did what you did. Maybe I even have a little responsibility for it. And I noticed that you didn’t lose your temper tonight. That’s good.”

“But I fucked up.”

She gave him the bad-language look. “You lied to me and Mark and Aunt Win. You took advantage of my trust in you. Worst of all, you just showed Mark that he was right to believe the worst of you.”

“What do I do to fix it?”

“You were smart enough to come up with your master prison plan. I’m sure if you try, you can come up with a redemption plan.”

“I will.”

“And while you’re figuring it out, factor in that you have to do it without leaving home, because you’re on restriction until school starts. You can leave this ranch to go to church and to see Mrs. Ivers, but for no other reason.”

“Aw, Mom . . .”

“Believe me, there’s a price to be paid for love. You might as well learn that now.”

Chapter Twenty-three

When I was little, we had this old mare named Clementine’s Blue Ribbon. Mom used to put me up in the saddle while she was pulling weeds and Clem would just stand there with me on her back. She followed me around like a puppy in the fields and sometimes at night, she’d trot up as close to my window as she could and whinny. Mom said it was horse talk for goodnight special boy. And then one day Mom told me Clem had gone to Heaven. I went out to her stall and it was empty.

That was when I learned you could lose what you loved.

That’s how I feel now. Ever since I wrote to my dad, I’ve been—I don’t even know what word to use anymore. Not sad, not even pissed off. Empty maybe. I go to the mailbox every day and nothing ever comes.

Cissy hasn’t called or emailed or texted me either. It’s like she fell off the planet. I know what happened. My mom was right. She picked her dad’s side. I even understand it. But it hurts so much that sometimes I don’t want to turn on the light in my room or get out of bed.

She’s all I think about. I remember how she came up with the plan, saying no one has a right to keep you away from your own dad. She held my hand on the bus rides to the prison and back. All the way home she was saying how cool it would be to actually talk to him someday.

She knew how much I needed that.

Maybe That’s who I am, Mrs. Ivers, a guy who needs things he can’t get. I need Cissy to love me again and I need to talk to my dad.

Which pretty much means I’m screwed.

Today I registered for high school. Mrs. Ivers told mom I passed Language Arts with flying colors. Whatever the hell that means. It made my mom happy, and me too, I guess. It means I’ll see Cissy on Wednesday when school starts.

How will I look at her without being a total dork? I know Erik Jr. will glom onto her. She’s so smoking hot he’ll want her to be his girlfriend. If I see that how will I keep from going postal?

Maybe I’ll pretend to be sick all year.

I was going to quit writing in this book Mrs. Ivers gave me, but today was so amazing I don’t want to forget a single thing.

So there I was, standing out by the flag like a total loser while everyone else yelled and screamed about how cool it was to see each other. Being alone in a crowd is the worst, I think. Everyone belongs somewhere except you. Last year that would have pissed me off. I would have looked around and seen all those smiling kids and I would have hated them. If someone had looked at me sideways I would have flipped him off. There are different ways to start a fight. I guess I know that now.

Anyway I was standing there, wishing I’d worn my old favorite Vans instead of these dorky Nikes my mom made me buy, when I saw Cissy. She was with Principal Jeevers. They were next to the blue metal doors and the principal was yakking on. There were kids everywhere. Laughing, talking, playing hackey sack, listening to their iPods, talking on the phone. All the usual first day of school shit.

Still she saw me right away.

I waited for her to smile. When she didn’t, I walked away, went over to this alley between the gym and the auditorium, where it was quiet and dark.

I was there, with my eyes closed, leaning against the warm brick wall when I heard her say my name. I wanted to ask her what she wanted in a voice that made me sound tough, as if I didn’t care, but I couldn’t do it.

I missed you she said.

I don’t even remember what I said. All I know is one minute I was in the shade by myself and the next minute she was there with me.