If You Believe

Jake froze. Reluctantly he glanced at his dad. "Wh— What do you mean?"

Mad Dog laughed. "Well, youre hangin around my place, I just thought, you know, you wanted something. "

Surprise shot through Jake when he realized the importance of what had just happened. Mad Dog hadnt just walked on past, uncaring. Hed stopped, asked Jake what he wanted. Almost as if Jake mattered to him.

Hope spilled through Jake in a dizzying wave.

This was it. He had to do something to get to know his dad. He looked up, trying to keep the hope from his eyes, and knowing he failed. "I was just thinking . . . er, wondering . . . I mean . . . hoping—"

"Yeah, Jake?"

He licked his lips nervously, clenched his hands. "W-Would you teach me to fight?"

Mad Dog frowned. "You want to learn to box? Why?"

He hadnt laughed! Jake felt a pounding sense of relief. Taking a deep, steadying breath, he surged ahead with the plan. "I-Id want to be able to protect myself if something happens. " His gaze fell. "You know . . . be like you. "

There was a long silence before Mad Dog said quietly, "You dont want to be like me, kid. "

"Yes I do. "

Mad Dog gave him a surprisingly sad smile. "Ive made . . . mistakes in my life, kid.

Big ones. Im no one to look up to. "

Jakes heart seemed to stop beating. He leaned forward. "What mistakes?"

"Nothing worth talking about. Just mistakes. "

Jake knew his next question shouldnt be asked, but he couldnt help himself. "Do you . . . have any kids?"

Mad Dog snorted. "No, Im not that stupid. Thats the sort of mistake you cant walk away from. "

Disappointment crushed through Jake. He looked away. Tears burned his eyes and he fought to blink them back. He shouldnt have asked the question.

Fool. Idiot.

Jake swallowed a thick lump of tears. It shouldnt have surprised him; it was what his mother had said all along. To Mad Dog, kids were just mistakes. He was just a mistake. But Jake had never let himself believe it. Always, always, hed believed that Mad Dog would welcome him.

"Kid? You all right?"

No, Jake wanted to say, to scream. Im not okay. Im your son. Your mistake.

Mad Dog laid a hand on Jakes shoulder, squeezing lightly. "You got something in your eye?"

Jake sniffed hard; his shoulders felt weighted down by years worth of useless dreams and endless nighttime prayers. It had all been a waste of time. All the traveling, the lying, the hiding, were for nothing. When Mad Dog learned the truth, he wouldnt care. There wouldnt be any big, tearful reunion, no bear hug and welcome.

Jake was just a goddamn mistake.

Mad Dog would walk away. And Jake would end up as alone as he was right now, with nothing to show for all of his stupid little-kid dreams.

"You really want to learn to fight?" Mad Dogs voice was soft, tentative, as if he didnt know quite what to say.

Jake looked up dully. "Huh?"

Mad Dog smiled encouragingly. "Okay, lets go. Supper wont be for another hour. "

"Really?" Jake felt something inside him come to life. Hope—that insidious little nugget of hope hed nurtured always—crept back into his heart. He smiled, and even though he knew he was being a fool, knew Mad Dog would never really, truly care about his son, Jake felt himself start to believe in the dream again.