Distant Shores

about ball handling and go gaga over Dad. "

It was so Jamie-like to fall in love with her tutor. There was no point asking the serious questions until new love had been discussed. "Okay, tell me about him. "

As usual, Jamie had no lack of stories to tell about her new beau. It had, apparently, been impossible to study with Michael because of his eyes--so brown, Mom, theyre like, amazing--and his voice had presented a problem as well--He kind of whispers, like some old jazz guy. Its totally sexy.

Finally, when shed run down the battery on new love, she came back around to the point. "Anyway, I dont need a tutor anymore. I need time to study. Thats why I want to quit swimming. Dads making buttloads of money now--he told me that--so you guys can afford my tuition, right?"

"One point at a time, kiddo. Dont even try to smoke me about study time. Do you want to quit so you can spend more time with Michael?"

"Get real, Mom. Ive been balancing boys and sports since Little League. "

"So, whats really going on here? Why do you want to quit?"

"Bottom line?" There was a pause, then, "Im not good enough. "

Elizabeths heart ached at those softly spoken words. She wanted to argue the point, to tell Jamie that of course she was good enough . . . that being good enough wasnt the point anyway, trying was. But that was the easy road. A childhood answer to an adult question. "Go on. "

"These girls have talent, Mom. Hannah Tournilae is Olympic material. To be honest, I might have quit a long time ago, except Dad came to every swim meet, and when I won, he acted like Id cured cancer. But hes not on the sidelines anymore. He doesnt even call and ask how I did. "

"Your dad loves you. You know he does. Neither one of us cares if you swim. We just want you to be happy. "

"So, youll tell him I quit?"

Elizabeth laughed. "No way. Youll have to talk to Dad about this yourself, but Ill tell you this, honey, its dangerous to quit something because you think youre not good enough. That can be an ugly pattern that repeats itself throughout your life. Believe me, I know. "

"You want me to finish out the season. " Jamie came to the conclusion so quickly Elizabeth knew the answer had been there all along.

"Im sure your coach would appreciate it. "

"I hate it when you do that. "

"Do what?"

"Pretend to agree with me and then lob some grenade of common sense. "

Elizabeth smiled. It was a perfect description of motherhood. "Ill support whatever decision you make. "

"All right. Im quitting at the end of the season. " Jamie tried to sound strong and self-assured, but hesitation caused a little vibrato in her voice. "I dont suppose youd tell Dad that for me?"

"Nope. "

"Fine. "

She knew her daughter was angry with her, just as she knew that the anger wouldnt last. Jamie was like her grandfather, a volatile, larger-than-life personality. She could hate you one minute and adore you the next.

"Jamie?" Elizabeth said, waiting for the waspish, "Yeah, what?"

She knew what she wanted to say, but not how to say it. With Jamie, a serious conversation was like driving on the Los Angeles freeway. You had to change lanes with extreme caution. "Do you think you want to quit swimming because youre depressed about Grandad?"

It took Jamie a moment to answer, and when she did, her voice was soft, trembling. "I miss him all the time. "

"Me, too. I still talk to him, though. It helps a little. "

"You live by yourself right now. Im surrounded by thousands of students--tons of whom are probably psych majors. Theyd lock me up if I went around talking to my dead grandfather. "

"Youve never cared what other people think. Dont start now. But if youre embarrassed, talk to him at home. Stephie wont laugh. "

"Stephie who?" she said bitterly.