"You know . . . telling them Im getting the house ready for renters. Jamie wont accept that forever. Pretty soon, I think well have to tell them the truth. "
Jack felt as if hed been sucker punched. As much as he loved his new single life, he wasnt ready to contemplate the end of their family.
Their family.
In the
time it took to draw a breath and push it out, he remembered the whole of their life together, the good times and the bad.
The one thing hed always counted on, the bedrock of his life, was that Elizabeth loved him. Her plea for a short-term separation hadnt actually altered that belief. But now, he wondered.
All bullshit and adolescent dreams aside, could he live without her love?
"Theres a chance for us, isnt there?" he asked.
It took her a moment to answer. When she did, her voice was barely above a whisper. "I hope so. "
He smiled, relieved. "I hope so, too, baby. "
Another silence fell.
At last, Elizabeth said, "Dont forget about Jamie. Shes fragile right now. Be gentle. "
Shed said that twice now. "Im always gentle with her. "
Elizabeth sighed . . . or was that a muffled laugh? He couldnt be sure. Either way, it was vaguely irritating. "I cant keep you and your daughters on track anymore, Jack. Your relationship with Jamie is up to you. "
He had no idea what she meant by that. "Okay. "
"Well, Id better let you get back to work. "
"Yeah. It was good talking to you," he said, and they were strangers again.
"Good talking to you, too. "
He realized he was waiting for her to say, I love you, when he heard the dial tone.
Elizabeth felt a sudden urge to call him back and say, We cant be this far apart.
But they were distant now, emotionally as well as physically. That was what shed wanted. It was why hed sounded so confident and happy when he answered the phone--and so guarded and awkward when he realized whod called.
After twenty-four years of sharing every moment of life, theyd drifted to separate coasts and picked up separate lives. Their conversations came in a kind of Morse code; hurried sentences punctuated by elongated pauses.
She tried to cull through the rubble of her emotions to find the truest one. Only a few days ago, shed seen an old photograph of them and thought, Theres still a chance for us. But every day took them farther away from the love that had once bound them together.
She was at a crossroads suddenly; one she hadnt even seen approaching. And yet, here she was, standing at the corner of what shed dreamed of and what shed left behind.
If she picked up the phone and called Jack, she would turn back into who shed been.
Someday (and, yes, she knew she still held that hope close) she would feel strong enough, sure enough of herself, to call Jack and say, I love you; lets try again.
But not today.
TWENTY-ONE
Dear Birdie:
That conversation we had the other day has stayed with me. As usual, youre holding your troubles close to your chest, thinking I cant understand. Me being the wicked stepmother and all.