Waiting for the Moon

Ian rested an elbow on the hard wooden arm of his chair and rubbed his eyes, sighing softly. "What in the hell is wrong with me?"

Johann's face softened, a smile caressed his thin lips. "You don't know?"

"All I know is that I've finally gone over the edge. One word from Selena, a word, and my mind .. . snapped. I can't get it out of my brain."

Johann leaned forward. "What did she say?"

"Slept. As in, maybe she slept with a man before her injury."

"Holy mother of God." Johann slowly sank back into his chair. "She's so innocent.... I never considered that she could be married. What are you going to do?"

There was the question again, the one he couldn't outrun. "I'm going to kill anyone who comes for her."

Johann got slowly to his feet. "No wonder you've been locked up here for days."

It felt so good to talk about it with someone, to be less alone. "I'm afraid to see her, Johann. An honorable man would stay away."

Johann took a long sip before responding. "It was my understanding that you reveled in your dishonor."

Ian released a steady breath. "You said she would change me, and she has. I know I'm a selfish bastard, but I don't thi

nk I can change it. If I see her, I'll take her to my bed, and if I do that, I'll kill any man who comes for her."

"Frankly, that's the most sensible thing I've ever heard you say. So what's the problem? You're rich. The rich can murder anyone and get away with it."

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He looked at Johann. "What if she has children, Johann?"

Johann's smile faded. "I don't know what to tell you."

He stared at Johann, wishing suddenly that the scotch could warm him. "Tell me this, then," he said softly. 'Tell me how to have a normal life."

"You ask me?" Johann raised his hands in the air. "There is no normal life."

Ian leaned back in his chair and ran a hand through his dirty, disheveled hair. "I want to sleep, Johann. I want dreams instead of nightmares. I want ..."

"Selena."

Ian squeezed his eyes shut, and knew it was a mistake the instant he did. She came full force into his mind, taunting, teasing, reminding. I feel love for you, Ian. I believe in you. Kiss me again. What if I am not a virgin? What if-

His eyes popped open. Despair coursed through him, made him ache for another drink. "What would you have done to keep Marie?" The question slipped out on a drunken slide, intimate and tinged in desperation. Ian tried not to look up, tried to keep his gaze focused on the desk, impersonal, cold.

The silence stretched out. Ian heard the soft, rhymthic pulse of Johann's breathing, and his control snapped. He looked up, staring at Johann through bloodshot eyes. "Answer me," he whispered, needing something from Johann in that minute that he couldn't fathom, didn't want to explore. Absolution, understanding; he didn't know what, but it made him feel weak and pathetic.

Slowly Johann lowered himself to his seat. His voice, when at last it came, was soft and uncertain. "I would have done anything."

Ian's tension released in a rush. He sagged forward, buried his face in his hands. He wanted to take comfort in Johann's words, to believe that he was normal in his reaction, but he wasn't yet so delusional. Ian had never

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done anything halfway in his life; there was no moderation in his soul. He had always been full speed, obsessive about everything. When he was a doctor, he was only that, nothing else. When he decided not to be a doctor, he hid away in the darkness, being nothing, substituting nothing. He'd lived either in the full light or in the full darkness, nowhere in between.

"I won't let her go," Ian said softly, not particularly to Johann. He simply said it, meant it.

Johann frowned. "But if she's married-"

"Enough." Ian barked the word, so loud his own voice rang in his ears. He couldn't stand it anymore, couldn't live this way. Once, maybe it had been fine, he'd been content to wallow in self-pity and hide away from the world. Once, the alcohol had been enough. Now nothing was left to him, nothing but Selena. She'd brought him out of his paralysis, shoved him into the full light of day, and he couldn't go back. Wouldn't go back.