Waiting for the Moon

"Silly. That is not a dream, that is a ... fact." She gazed up at him, very seriously. "I shall expect more of you."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes. I shall expect you to be more than a keeper here. You are a doctor. You could do much good in the world."

255

"But my hands-"

She waved airily. "Do not be so selfish. I am braindamaged, Johann is dying of syphilis, Andrew is battling great demons of memory, and Maeve fights for a clear thought every day of her life. What are hands that know too much? You will learn to stop seeing the images."

"It's not that easy. The visions-"

"It is no different than ignoring Maeve when she is directly in front of you, and you have done that for years. It is no different than ignoring mealtime conversation to hear only one voice. It is a skill which you must teach yourself."

He started to argue, then stopped. What if it was possible? What if he could learn to tune out extraneous images as easily as he tuned out unwanted noise?

He could be a doctor again; if not a surgeon, then an alienist. As an alienist, he could use his curse to actually help people, so see the truth in their minds.

Good God, he could start over, could be a better man.

Selena stared up at him. A slow smile crept across her face, gave her eyes a sparkling light. "This is the change I was spouting of. Speaking of."

"I could be a doctor again."

"Now you speak with the voice of a dream. But your dream is too small."

He grinned. "Nothing on me is too small."

It took her a moment to understand his meaning. When she did, she smiled broadly. "I am not speaking of that-as you well know. I mean that there is more to your life than medicine. You need to be more than a doctor."

He breezed a finger down her naked belly. "I'm trying my damnedest to be a father. If you'd stop talking, we could try again."

She laughed. "Do not try to tell me that lie again about babies in bodies. I shall not believe it. Besides, you could practice to be a father right now."

256

"I think it's too late for me to be your father."

Her voice softened. "Lara needs a father most desperately."

He felt an unexpected pain at the words. "So did I. Life isn't always so fair, goddess."

She rolled onto her stomach and peered up at him. "Your voice is ugly and angry. Try again."

Looking down at her, into her beautiful, liquid eyes, he felt the bitterness fade. Love rushed in to take its place. "My father died when I was ten," he said softly.

"You must have missed him very much."

He said what was in his heart, the first time he could ever remember doing such a thing. "Every day of my life."

"Do you not think Lara feels this loss?"

He sighed. "I'm sure she does, but what-"

"Ease her pain."

"But-"