A Baby of Convenience

Neal fell silent. He had never analyzed his decisions before. He did what he felt like, and didn’t dig any deeper than that. It was a comfortable way to live life, but today, with Elena sitting opposite him, he felt the need to want to explain, but the sad truth was, he knew he didn’t have a good enough explanation. It struck him suddenly, that he cared what she thought of him.

“I’m sorry if I upset you,” Elena said, her voice soft.

“I’m not upset,” Neal said quickly. “I’m just… I guess I’m just thinking.”

He tried to collect his chaotic thoughts; they were going off in different directions. One thread pulled him towards his childhood, another one pulled towards memories of his father, another one pulled towards memories of George. There was a tiny voice in the back of his head that told Neal that they were all connected.

“My mother died when I was twelve,” he said suddenly.

Elena looked up in surprise. She had not expected that from him. She watched his face. He really was a good-looking man. He had good, strong features, but she noticed that his eyes were sad. She wondered if they had always been, or if she had only now paid enough attention to notice. She didn’t say anything, knowing how hollow anything she said would sound. Instead, she stayed silent and let him tell his story at his own pace.

“My mother… she was a stay at home mom,” Neal started slowly, “and she was a brilliant one. She was like a child herself sometimes. George was four years older than me, so he outgrew me pretty fast, and when that happened, Mom sort of filled in for him. She used to call herself ‘my honorary big brother’. We were really close.”

Elena smiled, but she was conscious of how sad a smile it was. She leaned over and placed her hand over Neal’s. Before he continued, he slowly changed its position so that they were holding hands. His voice was stronger when he started speaking again.

“When my dad started his business, it felt like I lost him too, but again, Mom was always there for me. We were together always, I used to consider her my best friend, and she used to say I was hers.”

“What happened?”

“Car accident,” Neal replied bluntly. “She was picking me up from school. She was never late. I knew something was wrong before anyone told me…. she was never late.”

Elena looked down at her hands because it suddenly got very hard to look at Neal.

“I took her death badly,” Neal said, his voice suddenly clipped. “I had to take time away from school. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I could barely function. Dad and George looked after me. They did everything so that my life would be easy, so that I would never have to worry about anything. I think they felt that I had enough of a burden to carry around after Mom’s death.”

He shook his head, as though he could clear it that way.

“After a while, the pain sort of… blunted. I couldn’t feel it as acutely, and slowly, things went back to normal. I went back to school, then college, and I tried to find something I liked, something I could see myself doing in the future. But nothing ever stuck, and I guess there wasn’t any pressure. I’d already received my inheritance, and I had my brother’s backing, and by then I was used to the perks and the luxuries, without the responsibility.”

He looked up tentatively at Elena, worried suddenly that he had just outed himself as a selfish, indolent fool who had just used his mother’s death to explain away his complete lack of drive.

“It’s not a good reason,” he tacked on abashedly.

“I don’t think that’s your reason at all,?

? Elena replied.

Neal looked at her, taken back by her statement.

“I think you adopted a shallow lifestyle to try and convince yourself that you were a shallow person,” Elena said bluntly.

“Why would I do that?” he asked in surprise.

“So that you wouldn’t have to analyze your life choices. So that you wouldn’t have to feel guilty about your lack of interest in the family business. So that you could numb the pain of your mother’s death.”

Elena said what she had to with a straight face and no expression. She felt for Neal, but she didn’t want to sit there and pretend like she believed what he was telling her. Neal processed Elena’s words. He tried to see if there was any truth to them. He couldn’t feel anything but confusion.

“It’s OK, Neal,” Elena’s voice was kind. “We don’t always understand ourselves. We cope the best way we can. You are a good guy, you’re just a little lost. We’ve all been there.”

Neal sighed and looked up, feeling drained. “Have you been lost? Somehow, I doubt that. I just can't see it in you.”

Elena laughed without humor. “Why… because I act like I have all the answers? Maybe that’s my coping mechanism.”

“Is it my turn, then?” Neal asked.

Elena shot him a questioning look.

“To ask a question?” Neal clarified.