Audition (North Security 4)

“It’s treason.”

I can’t breathe.

Josh shrugs. There’s only a hint of defeat in the movement. I don’t think he regrets this at all. “I’m turning him in.”

“No,” I gasp.

“I have no other choice.”

We learned about this in school. The United States government executes people for treason. They could do the same to my brother. If Josh is telling the truth, they could take Caleb to federal prison and release him in a coffin. Horror engulfs me, surrounding me as surely as the moonlight. My brother is a dangerous man. He associates with other dangerous men. He does dangerous things. But when I was a little girl, he put his body between me and the man who came at me with harm in his fists. That connection can’t be broken, even by treason. I have a duty to him. Even now. I owe Caleb my life. I have to try to spare his. It takes me two tries to speak. “You do have another choice. You do.”

Now Josh’s expression softens. He looks almost sorry for me. “I can’t let him put American weapons in the hands of our enemies.” He looks away, and his face in profile is among the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen. “I’m no hero. But I can’t let it get that far. I think you know that.”

I seize the tiny, thin thread of hope. “I do know that.” Desperation chokes me, both hands around my neck. “Of course you can’t let him do what he’s planning to do.” For all I know, he’s already done it. For all I know, Josh is stopping a machine that’s already in progress. “But is there any way—” Emotion cuts my voice off at the knees. It’s nothing but a whisper now. “Is there any way you could help him live? Please.”

Josh, five years ago

Bethany looks at me, eyes brimming with tears for her scumbag of a brother. The man who puts deadly weapons in the hands of people who want to watch Americans die for the sheer pleasure of it. Caleb wants money more than he wants to protect our brothers-in-arms. He wants money more than he wants to keep innocent people on both sides of the ocean safe. I should hate her, too.

But all I can see is how achingly beautiful she is.

Caleb’s little sister tilts her face up toward mine, leaving nothing to the imagination. All her hope and fear is laid bare. She doesn’t shy away from what she’s asking. And even then, the words pale in comparison to the full sweep of her lips. The slight tremble there makes me want to press my thumb against that flesh and worship there forever.

It’s truly fucked.

The pain is like nothing I’ve ever felt. Ringing through every cell like a wet rag twisted in violent hands. Bleeding it dry until there’s no moisture left. Nothing to make a heart beat. She’s kryptonite. She’s killing me.

I would do anything for her.

It hits like a sucker punch. All my life I’ve been dodging fists. I thought I was past the days of being taken by surprise. But this? This is true shock. Down to the bone. Down to the marrow.

Anything. Anything at all. I’d sell out my country for her. I have to bite the tip of my tongue from telling her that of course I’ll spare her brother. Of course I’ll let him live. I’ll let him keep up with his horrendous fuckery no matter how many people die. The blood on my hands won’t matter at all, if I can only give her what she wants.

Bethany is hope embodied. Her weight shifts in the wind. She could take flight at any moment. I know exactly where she would go—directly into my arms. She’d breathe her thank-you into my ear, her arms locked tight around my neck. I would press her body to mine. It would be a tremendous relief, to have her that close. Jesus, I need it. I need it like I need to breathe. I need it like I need my heart to beat.

I need it too fucking much.

That’s the endgame.

I can’t be that vulnerable. Not for Bethany. Not for anyone. Not for the rest of my life. I lean in close enough that I can see the look in her eyes. If I’m going to do this, I’m going to bear witness to every part of it. I’m not going to look away. “No.”

Her lips curve upward in a smile that’s incandescent with relief before she registers what I’ve said. Then it all comes crashing down. Her eyes fly open wide, wider than I thought possible. The knife twists in my gut, scraping my organs.

“What?” She’s horrified. Shaking.

“No, I won’t help you.” The laugh that tears from my throat is the cruelest sound I’ve ever heard, and I spent years living with my father. I’m dying. If I can stay upright, it’ll be a fucking miracle. “Is there any way I can help him? Un-fucking-believable. I always knew Caleb was a goddamn fool. I thought you were smarter than that.”

Bethany takes a half step back, eyes flying around the yard like she’s searching for a hidden camera. “But you—you took me out. You came to see me—why did you do that?” Her voice is high and thin, like she can’t get a full breath. Neither can I.

“You have a killer body, sweetheart. I wanted to fuck you. That’s it.”

And I’ll be damned, damned for all eternity, because fresh hope lights her eyes. She steps back into the ring. “If you do, then maybe—”

“Fuck, Bethany.” I grab for her, hooking one hand around the back of her neck and yanking her in close. This is my one concession. I’m going to take this one thing like the selfish fucking bastard that I am. I can feel her hope and hesitation through the palm of my hand. I’m cutting her as deep as I know how, and she’s still holding out hope. Lowering my mouth to her ear, I take one last breath of her. “Do you honestly think your pussy is worth that much?”

Bethany’s shoulders sag, a half-sob escaping her, and she pulls herself back. Her hands go to her stomach, and she presses in on some invisible stab wound. “Stop.” There’s almost no voice behind the word, only breath. “Don’t say that.”

“But it’s true.” I taunt her even though the words scorch my throat. “Little Bethany Lewis thinks her precious pussy is worth committing treason for. That I’d give up turning in one of the nation’s worst criminals for a mediocre fuck. As if I even wanted that.” She shakes her head wordlessly. No, no, no. “Yes. You’re not even worth a fuck to me.” I shiver like the thought disgusts me. ?