I take a long second to calm my own body. Panic attack. That’s what he’s having. That’s what I’m having. Because we’re here. We’re almost to the spot.
You’re okay. You’re not a victim here tonight. Take care of Bear. Go wrap your arms around him.
So I do.
I wrap myself around my poor Barrett. I make my way around to the front of him. His face is like a riot; I don’t think he sees me.
“Bear…” I stroke his arms. “Sweet Bear. Look at my eyes. Look at me. It’s Piglet. Can you look at me?” I rub his chest. “Tell me where you are, sweetheart. In real life we’re right here together. Listen to my voice. Where are you, baby?”
“It’s…so cold.”
“You’re cold?”
“The gun is cold.”
“Barrett.” I grab his face. “You need to look at Gwenna. Look at me. Look at my eyes.”
He does, for just a split second. His gaze is gone fast, wrenched away. His hands are in his pockets.
“I had a plan,” he chatters. “Gwen, I had a plan. To keep you safe. I love you. You’re…the world.” His voice breaks. “You could move on. The twins did. Everyone moves on.” He rubs his head.
His eyes are so wide.
My heart gallops. “Barrett, I’m safe, and no, I can’t move on. I’m here with you. I love you, and I need you.”
“Do you?” There. He looks at me.
I nod firmly.
“I’ve never felt like this, Gwenna.” His voice cracks on a sob, and then he’s sinking down into the snow. He draws his legs up to his chest and holds onto his knees. His head hangs down and he’s crying, shaking like those icicles in the trees. He seems like he’s cracked wide open, and it’s so fucking scary.
“Bear…” My hands: inept. All over him. His back. His arms. His chest. “Barrett… Come here, baby.”
I’m crouched down; I try to hug him.
“It would scare you. I know.”
“What are you talking about, sweetheart? C’mon…let’s stand up.” He’s up. He’s still looking around.
“If they hurt you…because of me. Gwen. I should go now. There’s this house… I rented it.”
I grab his wrist and tug him with me, moving in the direction of the store.
“C’mon, baby. I’m so cold. I want to get back in the car.” My voice cracks, even though I’m trying to be casual.
“You don’t want me. It’s not worth it, Gwen, and I don’t trust them. Even Blue says not to trust them. His dad’s people, they’re ex-us, they’re… They’ll do anything he tells them to, if there’s a threat…” He stops and looks around, his gaze lifting. “They could be anywhere.” His voice is dry and broken. “Come stand near me. I’ll get out the gun.”
“What gun?” I touch his arm. “Baby, do you have a gun? With you right now?”
My heart stops somewhere in the region of my throat. I wonder if I’m going to throw up.
“He’s Blue’s dad. Bluebell. Michael. Gwen…” He blinks slowly. “You met him in the beer bar. He told me he kept asking you to get a fish bowl.”
My whole body ignites.
“What are you talking about?”
“That night.” Tears drip from his eyes. “Breck was there. And Michael. We called him Blue. I saw you outside. I saw your snowflake tattoo. You said smoking cigarettes was lonely.”